Warning: slightly indulgent and self-piteous post ahead! Tiredness is talking I think!
I know there’s a lot of stuff going on in my head right now. Just general stuff about relationships, work, study, family, life. Most of it about how lucky I am with my lot (because I am), but all of it tainted by how crap I’m feeling sometimes despite my wonderful life.
I used to shut this stuff out, or off. My eating disorder replaced most of it, helping me achieve this. I would tune out the world and minimise my life to calories and weights and food and measurements. The volume on real stuff would go down and the ED voice would go up.
I can’t seem to do that anymore: life keeps rearing both its ugly and beautiful head. I want the ED volume up, I want to be anorexic, I want to really prove that I can be ill, but it’s not working. Despite myself I am staying well- I’m doing structured eating, I’m doing self-care, I’m exercising moderately. And with that comes some acknowledgement of needing to think about other issues than ED.
I know I should be pleased about this, it shows the steps I’ve taken towards recovery are working. Yet at the same time I’m agonising over why the scales aren’t dropping, and feeling crap that I’m healthy.
This is such a messed up disorder. I don’t even think I’m explaining this properly. Basically, I want to be well but I feel like I need to show I was properly sick first, like it’s the last piece of the puzzle. I just never had the dramatic weight loss that is meant to come with ED, and I’m stuck moving forward while I know I never was ‘really thin’.
After years of this I’m so frustrated at myself that I was never ‘really thin’.
Ps: this is an objective evaluation as well as subjective, I have been underweight but not at the level of meeting many ED service criteria, and never that you would look at me and think ‘anorexic’. I know you don’t need to be thin to have an ED, it’s just that I would have liked to have been. 😦