Trying out honesty

I’ve got counselling today and I’m nervous about it. I’ve had (minor) drops in weight the last few sessions and last week was a tough session facing up to it.

I don’t want to regain the weight. I will probably have to restrict to stay at this weight (lower end of bmi, not actually underweight to be clear, but underweight for me) . I’m okay with that for now. It seems like a good trade off as I’m much more comfortable at this weight. 

There is no point in me attending counselling if I have this mindset. I am already spoilt in the amount of sessions I have had. Other people would benefit more. 

However, this is a bit of a pattern of mine. Indeed this is exactly how my blog started – I got discharged for exactly the same reason. There is a little bit of me (my non-eating disordered side) that thinks I need to learn to work through this if I really want this out of my life. My eating disorder side thinks it’s a brilliant idea to stop going and while we’re at it why not lose another little bit of weight. 

It seems that just as I approach being well, my eating disorder rises up and digs its claws in. There’s something in that final letting go that I just can’t do. 

I’m going to say this to my counsellor today. I’m going to be honest. It’s all I can do as I don’t know the answer myself. I will out my trust in her as to what I should do now. I’ll keep you posted…


6 thoughts on “Trying out honesty

  1. Dear QuietRoar, I recognise every single thing you wrote. Being honest is what’s best for you now and you know it. And I know you can do this. You are not the only one, I would be surprised if your counsellor hasn’t heard this problem 100 times before. Me, I try to think of my ED in cycles and pros and cons. As long as I keep myself at my lower weight (as you, not underweight, just too low for me) I will have to keep fighting my ED. Whenever I decide to skip a meal, I know that later on I will be so hungry and very preocupied with that (which I don’t want). Whatever it is my ED tells me to do, it will always fire back at me. Hope this helps. Be honest and be strong dear, you can do this! Sending my love, Ana

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I completely relate to every single part of your post. There’s many times I would go and say everything was fine because I thought I could get everything back under control. Sometimes the fear of gaining weight affected me worse than the desire to lose weight. When I’m honest with myself it really does hurt but it’s when I’m honest that I make the biggest strides forward. I completely agree with everything Ana has written above too. ❤

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  3. Thinking of you my brave courageous friend xx I’m here no matter what. I agree with the part of you that wants to work thru this pattern – not let it dictate your life but I understand how hard that probably seems xx be kind to yourself you brave honest spirit X I think you’re amazing and I think you deserve as many counselling sessions as you need ! Bop that “others deserve it more” thought on the head please !! It’s not true – everyone deserves the help they need and you’re not stalling you’re trying hard to get a grasp on a slippery confusing debilitating mental illness xx take care & take the support that you need xx Em

    Liked by 1 person

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