“It’s not a safe food”

I had a very honest moment with my friend today. She bought us ‘breakfast muffins’ for breakfast this morning. I looked at them and had the immediate panic of do I a) refuse and it be awkward 2) eat and purge 3) eat and try not purge 4) eat some of it and then panic about eating the rest 5) eat some of it, then binge later as the resisting was too much, and then purge….. and so on and so on….

She noticed my face and asked if I didn’t like them – I was going to say no but before I could, I admitted that I did. She said have one then – so I said I would have a small piece. She said no have a whole one and before I knew it I was saying ‘it’s not a safe food’.

She asked me what that meant (aside- imagine a world where safe foods/ danger foods do not exist!What?!) and I paused and then admitted- it’s the kind of thing that I would eat 10 off and then need to be sick. She looked shocked. I guess understanding it in theory and me saying it out loud is different. She asked me should she not eat such stuff in front of me, or not offer it to me. That made me sad, as while that would avoid the issue for now that is not real life. I told her that me learning to eat just a little is a good thing.

It was sobering to realise that purging is so shocking to some people, and yet so mundane to me. I don’t want purging to be part of my life- or at most the smallest part as I can make it. It was mortifying to admit out loud that I would binge (although I still avoided using that word) but it was important too.

I am not a lesser person because I have binged. I am not a lesser person because I have purged. I am doing my best with what circumstances I find myself in. That is all I can do at any one time.

But I do want to take this moment to say to any of you that is ashamed of your binging and/or your purging. This is an illness. It is not a weakness. I am not judging you – because judging myself would not be helpful. It is not our fault we have the urges, but it is within us to change things. Sufficient consistent eating, everything in moderation, self-care, reaching out…we are worth it.

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13 thoughts on ““It’s not a safe food”

  1. But I do want to take this moment to say to any of you that is ashamed of your binging and/or your purging. This is an illness. It is not a weakness. I am not judging you – because judging myself would not be helpful. It is not our fault we have the urges, but it is within us to change things. Sufficient consistent eating, everything in moderation, self-care, reaching out…we are worth it.
    ❤ thanks for this MQR xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good on ya for saying it isn’t a safe food. I have no one in real life who knows I struggle so I find I lie a lot to get out of situations like that…and sneakily throw away a lot of food, sigh. This will sound weird but, I’m having a bad night, and your post was soothing. Like it smoothed out some of my rough edges…I swear I’m not crazy or anything! lol Thank you for your post.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Your friend sounds lovely, trying to understand and asking what she should do. It sounds like opening up to him/her opened up your perspective, which sound good to me. It’s all progress. You are doing great🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This is an excellent step in your journey! And how wonderful to have a friend that wants to help in whatever way she can. It may have caught her off guard to phrase it that way, but it was exactly what you needed to say. I call this a win all the way around.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You were really brave opening up your mind! I think the reason why your lovely friend wanted to help you was you were honest at first. I’ve never been that honest to anyone about my ED. Your blog helps me a lot these days. Thank you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Being honest really is such a powerful step, it took me a long long time (about 15 years!) but it has made all the difference. I hope one day you all get to that point, but for the meantime blogging is a good step!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Amazing to think that some people can just eat the muffin and the world goes on turning. Good and beautiful truths here. I’m still scared of muffins but don’t think that makes me or any of us pastry-phobics any less of a person 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know! I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point of eating pastries with a quiet mind! Even re-reading this post makes me cringe a little about eating some of it- and that’s just sad. I’m glad I stuck that one to ED and posted it on the web for all to see!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. The will to be stronger than the urge is a hard thing to wrestle with. No matter what the addiction is.

    Eating disorders are a traumatic event in a person’s life, a very slow and painful trauma, that can last a lifetime. One bite at a time even.

    It’s important to face the facts, as you did. Be proud that you won the muffin battle that day. You have scores of people hoping you win here.

    Liked by 1 person

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