Irrational annoyance

I saw my doctor this morning and he mentioned by BMI as part of the review. I didn’t pay too much attention to this at the time until I was just walking home and I thought hmm, he mentioned a number, I’ll just have a little check of that myself (why? who knows? complete ED behaviour) and I’ve realised that they have my height wrong on the system.

When I first started in the clinic I told them my height was an inch (2cm) less than it is and they never measured me. I was underweight at this point and thought that giving a shorter height would give me a little more leeway in terms of weight (EDs turn us into sneaky lying souls). While that strategy was useful for a while (i.e. while I was delighted to be coming out with a higher BMI than I actually had), now I’m really annoyed about it. I don’t want them to think my BMI to be higher than it actually is.

This is so irrational- BMI is such a crude measurement- I’ve always protested this. So why now should I care if they think it’s higher than it actually is. I don’t really mind my doctor thinking that, but I’m embarrassed about my counsellor thinking it. Which makes no sense. I think it’s tied in with me wanting to be ‘a good anorexic’ in terms of being thin enough. I have been caught in this horrible ‘thin enough’ web so many times before and I know it’s unhelpful.

I will move past this, and I know it’s not really a big deal, but right now I’m just riding out my irrational annoyance!

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2 thoughts on “Irrational annoyance

  1. sounds like that whole encounter was really triggering for you MQR xx be kind to yourself and get more support if you can? recovery is precious and fragile and you deserve to stay free x those ed thoughts can be overwhelming and disorientating – I send you support x I had a similar thing with my height measurement and resultant bmi calculations when I went from one service to the other too – and I didn’t query it either for the same reasons as you 😦 its such a mindfuck xxx for me the important things in life are being kind, being forgiving, being able to experience emotions and be spontaneous and feel connected to life but my head gets filled with obsessive weight thoughts like you describe too x hang in there, I hope it passes without pulling you off course or distracting you from the things you actually value in your life xx Em

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  2. Thanks em xxx I just needed to vent it somewhere as while I have lovely real time support this kind of detail / irrational ridiculousness is harder for me friends to understand and I find it’s not that helpful to discuss it with them- blogging about it however seemed like a good way of acknowledging the crazy thoughts and trying to move past them. You’re so right about recovery being fragile- I’ve started to see some splits recently and while I know they are there and how I could address them there’s a big part of me that doesn’t want to- I can feel my ed starting to take control again but I am fighting it- I’m currently still in bed fighting the urge to go to the gym on my rest day- it would only be a gentle swim but it’s still the principle of it. Thanks for the reminder to stop and think what I value in life- thinness isn’t it. X

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