Not as easy as I thought

So I am back in my real life after Christmas and I am living on my own. 

It’s been 3 days and I have purged, well, 3 of those 3 days. I haven’t binged, but I’ve definitely overeaten once I’ve given into the fact that I knew I would purge. 

I have been doing so well in my recovery that I really thought I would cope with living on my own. I thought I was not purging because I was in control, not just because I didn’t have an opportunity. I’m really hoping that this is just a blip and I haven’t been wrong about this. 

I have insight, I have skills, I should not be purging daily. Maybe it’s just all the changes and transition of the last few days. Maybe when I get my routine back in place I’ll be able to address the food stuff. In fact, it can’t be a maybe – I will get back on track. I don’t want this ill life for myself, I’ve been here before and I know the misery. There is far more to life than this.

I’m really hoping I can do this, I’m scared that this blip will stretch on and on, and that I won’t cope being on my own. 

I just need to remember one step at a time, one day at a time. Regular meals. Fresh air. Mindfulness. Writing. Reaching out. Sleeping. That all needs to be my priority now. 

I’m scared, but I know I can do this. It’s just not quite as easy as I thought. 


12 thoughts on “Not as easy as I thought

  1. I read a really good article on why positive thinking isn’t as good for you as you might think- it can make you complacent and then depressed when you don’t reach your goals. The writers wrote about a strategy they called ‘WOOP’, which they found worked better. It stands for wish, outcome, obstacle plan. So basically if there’s something that you want to achieve, your wish, you think about your desired outcome (i.e. The positive thinking bit’) then you reflect on what the obstacles might be and having identified them make a plan for what you would do if that happened. From reading your blog I think I’ve seen you use a similar kind of strategy, that is you have plans for what you are going to do to avoid bingeing, purging etc. But I liked the concept and I’m going to use it myself😊 I read it in aeon magazine if you want to search for it. Happy new year by the way – it sounds like you really are having a new start! I hope that it all goes well. Fantastic that you have had the confidence to reject something that you obviously felt wasn’t right for you although obviously sad for you both to go through. Is this because the non-ED you needs a different kind of person?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for your beautiful comment and sorry for my late reply! I’ve been in hiding mode a bit recently, but I’m emerging back into real life now! I’m going to look for that article now, it sounds like my kind of strategy! Happy new year to you too – hope it’s started well for you.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Recovery doesn’t mean “no blips ever”, unfortunately. You know you can do this. and so do I. As you said: You have insight, you have skills, you should not be purging daily. You will get back on track. Hang in there love, things will quiet down soon. Ana

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Recovery isn’t linear. Use each blip to make you stronger. Yeah it’s damn hard, but ultimately, each time you fight back, you will get stronger and more resilient.

    Do what you need to do, for you, and you can message me anytime for support. You’re not alone in this. Take care xo

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I live on my own as well and it “is” hard. My therapist just pointed out that I’ve been having behavior all along since my 5 surgeries in 2015. I thought that the period of time I was attempting to use 12 step programs was recovery but it was, in fact, a tool of control to avoid actual issues and feelings. Now that’s left those, the chaos of my life has changed, my ED has worsened in a desperate attempt to control the world around me as well as thoughts and feelings.

    As a couple commenters mentioned, blips do happen. For me though, the longer I do the behavior the worse I get and the harder it is to pull out of it. I hope, beyond hope, is that you can pull yourself out before it becomes entrenched. I’m really rooting for you!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment- I hope you’re doing okay? It has been an adjustment, and there has been a few more blips, but so far I’ve managed to not let it spiral, I’m the same as you that the longer it goes on the harder it is to get out of so I’m really trying to not let that happen.

      Liked by 1 person

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