I had the most amazing holiday. It was full of wonderful adventures and lots of laughter, and practically zero eating disorder behaviours. I knew I would gain a little weight but I went with it and I was rewarded with a wonderful time.
I came back super relaxed and very determined to keep up the good work with structured eating and no purging. I even started to challenge my exercise needs as I had twisted my ankle while on holiday so couldn’t do much.
Like an avalanche over the last few weeks though things have slid. Work and uni have been crazy. I’ve been doing 12 hour days and food has just not been a priority. I’ve enjoyed feeling empty and have been go go go.
Inevitably I crashed and haven’t been out of bed since Saturday. I don’t want to face the world. I’m tearful and overwhelmed and stressed. I’m dreading facing into another winter like this. I binged yesterday, my first time in weeks, not surprising with the restriction, but I didn’t even try challenge it.
I have shown I can be well on the road to recovery when life is not stressful, but once stress hits I crumble. Life is going to have stressors (and most of mine are self-made such a choosing to do a PhD!) so I need to learn to cope.
I have a counsellor appointment today so hopefully that will provide me with the push I need to get back on track, and hopefully I’ll be back writing, it really does help once I can make myself do it!