I’m back, and so is ED

I had the most amazing holiday. It was full of wonderful adventures and lots of laughter, and practically zero eating disorder behaviours. I knew I would gain a little weight but I went with it and I was rewarded with a wonderful time.

I came back super relaxed and very determined to keep up the good work with structured eating and no purging. I even started to challenge my exercise needs as I had twisted my ankle while on holiday so couldn’t do much. 

Like an avalanche over the last few weeks though things have slid. Work and uni have been crazy. I’ve been doing 12 hour days and food has just not been a priority. I’ve enjoyed feeling empty and have been go go go.

Inevitably I crashed and haven’t been out of bed since Saturday. I don’t want to face the world. I’m tearful and overwhelmed and stressed. I’m dreading facing into another winter like this. I binged yesterday, my first time in weeks, not surprising with the restriction, but I didn’t even try challenge it. 

I have shown I can be well on the road to recovery when life is not stressful, but once stress hits I crumble. Life is going to have stressors (and most of mine are self-made such a choosing to do a PhD!) so I need to learn to cope.

I have a counsellor appointment today so hopefully that will provide me with the push I need to get back on track, and hopefully I’ll be back writing, it really does help once I can make myself do it!

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3 thoughts on “I’m back, and so is ED

  1. It takes so much guts to be this honest and open about your struggles and knowing what you want/don’t want.
    One thing that helped me was asking myself, “Would I be more upset for purging, or just from feeling full for a bit?” Or whatever it may be.
    Just reading this, I definitely believe you have the skills and knowledge to do the right things, and am so proud of you for making an appointment to help get you back on track.

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  2. xxxx welcome back lovely, I hear how disappointed and frustrated you feel about the ed behaviours but if you can, try not to be too hard on yourself, if at all possible just give yourself a few breaths to try and see that you are still trying, still fighting and EDs are very difficult to recover from – you’ve done so much xxx don’t give up xxx and do write if it helps you – it always helps me to hear the courage and honesty you have in dealing with the challenges, setbacks and successes, you’re a special, strong person xxx keep fighting MQR, sending you love, and I’m glad you had a great holiday too xx – wait, that reminds me – didn’t we both talk once about the readjustment ED behavioural peak of returning home from time away? I always binge/purge when I get home from being away – its a really strong habit, so maybe it is something to do with that too? xxx Em

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  3. It’s great that you are self-aware and can be honest about where you are with your ED. I hope that helps you make the steps you need to manage your stress and move forward. Hope the appointment goes well for you too and is helpful. Take care xo

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