I saw my counsellor today and got to update her on how I’d done for the last 3 weeks. My structured eating went a bit out the window as I was on holidays etc. but in general I tried to keep to it. I only purged 5 times in 3 weeks which is amazing for me, and I felt quite free around food, not really feeling at many points over the pst while that I was restricting.
So the dreaded moment of weighing had to happen then, and I got to see the impact of this more relaxed approach to eating and exercise. The outcome of me eating and not purging was a gain of 800g.
Now I know any gain might make some of you freak out and panic, and I used to be there too, but this time I just stood on the scales (normally I am off them like a shot once done) and smiled. She asked me how I felt – and was I worried about the gain. I could honestly say that I wasn’t, for lots of reasons:
- My weight fluctuates anyway- it’s meant to go up and down, that’s normal
- I’m under what my set point is based on when I was stable last year, so I do actually have weight to gain, so I can understand that my body is trying to get me there
- I ate more and exercised less over the past three weeks- a gain is natural, but it was a tiny gain really, and people’s weight do fluctuate depending on times in their lives
- I estimated I had gained about 2 kilos and was very worried it could be more, so to see a number still in my ‘safe range’ was a relief.
I explained that I had committed to the experiment of the three weeks not focusing on weight loss, and that it had paid off. My ED mind had told me that if I went on holidays and ate what others were eating I would blow up, but I didn’t, I now have evidence that my body will adjust as it needs to.
She was really pleased for me but re-focused me on the goal of being able to feel okay about eating etc. while in my normal routine which involves stress and real life, as that tends to be what trips me up. So I’m back to structured eating and food diary for this week before setting some new goals next week.
The worry about weighing next week is already starting to creep in- what if I gain again and I’ve eaten ‘normally’? I’m trying not to worry about that just yet – for the reasons listed above – and if it happens we will process it and move on. It’s just a number. Just a weight. My life is so much bigger than 800g.