A bad evening

ED won tonight. I tried to battle but I wasn’t strong enough. I felt so positive last week and now back home I feel like I’ve just crashed. I know I need to fight ED to live a full life, but it seems impossible at the moment to try and live a full life at the same time as fighting.

 I’m just a bit fed up in it all. I know it’s only temporary, tomorrow is another day to get back on track, and that’s all I need to do really, just keep getting up after I fall. That’s all any of us can do. Just keep swimming. 

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13 thoughts on “A bad evening

  1. It’s just a blip. It’s just one day. Don’t tell yourself it’s the ED. You’re still allowed to have blips and bad days. Just like anyone else who doesn’t have an eating disorder. Don’t let it ruin your positive week! 😊 X

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    1. You’re right: just one day. That’s only 3 or so in the last 2.5 weeks which is actually really good going for me. It’s so easy to lose perspective of the positive, thanks for reminding me. I need to hear these things sometimes!

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  2. Hey! Don’t feel bad! You have been doing a great job. You should analyze why it won today, maybe your period is coming or you were upset about something at work, or you didn’t had a good breakfast…
    You count on me!

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    1. I think I just tried so hard to ‘do normal’ over the past week that the first moment I got on my own I just gave in. I could feel it happening from a few days ago. But I’m still doing better than before! Hope you are doing okay too!

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  3. Xxxx MQR sending you hugs – you’re still set on your path, forgive yourself, trust yourself, try to listen to the part of yourself that knows this is a set back and as you say ‘keep swimming’ I agree that this is all any of us can do xxx I respect your courage in being honest about this xx a major pattern for me is one of binging whenever I come home from a trip away – I haven’t been able to kick that yet, not sure why – maybe I need to take more holidays lol so I can practice my returns! You’ve still got all that progress you made in the bag – you are courageous, honest, insightful and sincere in your fight and you’re worth it – your freedom and capacity for joy are worth it and still yours xxx be kind, swim on! Xxx Em

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    1. Coming home from trips seems to be a total trigger for me too-you’re right that I just need to be patient that I can’t figure it all out at once. Thanks for understanding. I’m going to the seaside this weekend so will get to keep swimming in the sea which will be nice, and have another practice at returning on Sunday! I like your idea of more holidays! I really can’t wait to see my counsellor to get a routine going again- but it scares me that I’m already dependent. How am I ever going to be able to do this on my own? Hope you’re doing okay and the horses and Lucia are doing okay. I had to use some fake names today for something in work and I used Emma and Lucia: it made me smile 🙂

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      1. aw that is so making me smile that you used Emma and her trusty side-kick Lucia as the fake names 😉 totally cool! I feel like a celeb!!! lol!!
        I always just feel so tense when I come back from trips!! I think it’s because if I’m away I’m usually with other people – maybe it’s having different food and not the usual routine too ? – and the challenge of maintaining a ‘normal’ facade or something just pushes me towards wanting oblivion!!! maybe some day I’ll be able to just have a bath or burn some incense but until then… I live and learn…
        Yay I’m so glad you will get to be with the sea! I’ve been in as much as possible these days because the weather has been lovely! its so soothing to just wander along the beach or even just walking in the sand. I love it! and swimming is just like a giant reset button on my mind – total tonic.
        with the worry about being dependent on the counsellor, I was worried about that too one time and I remember a friend of mine saying that its like – when you break your arm and you need a cast… you don’t worry that you’ll always have to wear a cast – you just need it until the bone is strong again… and she was saying that counselling is like that too – a protective structure that you need while you’re figuring out the habits that will support you x except its more complicated because… its hearts, minds, emotions, thoughts etc!!! but it helped me not worry so much about being dependent long term. I think looking forward to going back to counselling is a sign that your counsellor is a good one and that you’re set on your path to getting free from the disorder and living your life 🙂 xxx be kind to yourself xx me and Luci are sending good vibes 🙂 I’m going to write an update soon, me and Lucia are good ! I had a really validating session with my psychiatrist today and have been feeling the benefits of having been a bit healthier over the past few weeks xx YARGH RECOVERY!! It’s so wild but good but hard and confusing!!!! the mind boggles!!!! XXXX Swim On my Friend 🙂

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      2. I had written a reply to this on my phone but it hasn’t seem to have posted – sorry! Thanks for your lovely words, and I like the cast analogy. I said to my counsellor yesterday that I felt silly using her time when I seemed to be able to do so well on holiday and she just laughed it off and said that it was great I had a good few weeks but holidays aren’t real life and I need to manage to do the same when dealing with my usual stresses. I know I shouldn’t need to be told everytime that I warrant the help, but it does make me feel better! It’s just great that the help isn’t just dependent on my weight or behaviours – it also includes my thoughts and talk- as then I don’t feel the need to lose weight or purge just to show I need to be there. So pleased you had a good psych session too x

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  4. I just lost it… And when I was purging I was thinking I failed you. I was to anxious, I had a catering today, we were late, I binged I guess because I felt guilty of not being perfectly in time even though it was the client who went wrong on the specifications.
    When I get very anxious I buy Tridents, today I bought, I should had stopped to write down or to breath but I was inside the rush and bulimia took control of me.
    Tomorrow will be a better day for both of us.

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    1. I’m sorry you had a hard day, but remember the journey has ups and downs, and there are going to be bumps along the way. Don’t let it stop you though, as it’s dealing with these bumps one at a time that help us learn. It’s really good that you can reflect on what happened – well done! And I understand the ‘rush of bulimia’ – that’s a good way of putting it! Take care x

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  5. I know this post is a couple months ago, but still wanted to comment. ‘Relapsing’ is all part of the process. It’s not like other ‘addictions’ where relapsing is starting over. That was my experience in recovery, anyway.

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