I had a therapist appointment today and it was a rough one but I came away with two clear goals that is all I need to focus on for this week. One- telling the boyfriend and two- eating porridge for breakfast.
I’ll start with the second goal first as it’s probably the most manageable. Breakfast was always my safe meal of the day. For the past 7 years probably I’ve had porridge made with water and some kind of seeds or berries as my breakfast. I have varied this on occasion e.g. at weekends, when out etc. so I’m not stuck to it, it’s just more that it works for me and it’s nice to start the day with a meal that makes me feel okay and is nutritious. Then last week I ate porridge for dinner and ever since then I have a new rule that I can’t eat porridge for breakfast anymore. Such a random ED rule, but it’s meant that breakfast has been a nightmare for the past week. I agreed with my counsellor that I need to nip this in the bud as I can’t let ED have so much power over me, so for the next week I am to eat porridge for breakfast. It’s a bit frustrating that I have a goal for something that I could do fine a few weeks ago, but I guess recovery is two steps forward, one step back.
The other goal is far far scarier. We had a good chat about telling the boyfriend. I talked through all the points you guys had raised (can’t express how much I appreciated your comments) and she reiterated that she doesn’t think I will manage recovery on my own, and that she thinks I am frightened of me telling him as it will mean reducing opportunities for behaviours. I think she’s right about the second point, and probably about the first point although it makes me sad to admit that. I asked her about what I should say, and what I should be expecting. She said that best case scenario he would offer me emotional support, which freaked me out a little. Practical support I could deal with, but any other kind of support makes me wince. Clearly a bigger issue there. She agreed the small steps approach would be best- so my challenge for this week is to tell my boyfriend that my eating issues have flared up again and that I have started to see a new counsellor to help with them, and that I may need his support in the future. She asked me to tell him about the purging but that felt like too much.
So I have a week to eat porridge and admit to the love of my life that I’m still quite messed up in the head. Fun times ahead! I’ll keep you posted.