Indecision

I’m a bit stuck. I’m alone in a hotel room tonight as part of my work trip. I’ve been staying with a friend’s cousin the last few days but now I have a night on my own before flying home. I got to my hotel a few hours ago and have been fighting indecision since then.

I haven’t had any dinner so I really should go find something to eat. However, I’m afraid if I leave the hotel room and find a shop I will buy stuff to binge on. I’m also afraid that even if I manage to buy something ‘safe’ like the salads I’ve been eating the last few nights, I will still want to purge. I’m not convinced the toilets here will be able to take it either (I’m staying in a very budget hotel!) so that is factoring into my choice.

This is when recovery gets a bit tricky- is it better to skip dinner or eat and purge? None of the self-helps books can help me with this choice! There is always the underlying assumption that when in this position I could buy something sensible to eat and just manage it, but honestly I cannot see myself executing such a rationale plan right now. The lady I was staying with gave me a mini bottle of champagne to celebrate my presentation which I have with me. Would a glass of that count as dinner?!

I could go to bed hungry but I’m not sure I’d sleep. Or I’ve just realised I have some oats with me, maybe I could make porridge with the kettle here and then I can eat and not go out? I’d have no oats for breakfast tomorrow then, but maybe I’d feel safer tomorrow anyway as I have to check out so no real option to purge whatever I then buy for tomorrow.

Oats could be a good call here… man, I love wordpress…just writing this blog has helped me figure out something I’ve been stressing about for two hours!!! I also feel I should maybe get out to explore but I have a couple of hours in the morning and could do it then. Is eating oats and not purging rather than exploring just what it takes? Argh, recovery is hard sometimes.

I’m trying to listen to what ED wants me to do. I think it wants me to binge and purge. If that’s the case I should eat oats and stay in. And maybe just sleep and hope the urge will have passed by tomorrow.

Okay, oats, mini champagne and sleep it is. Just an ordinary Tuesday y’know…!

 

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5 thoughts on “Indecision

  1. Writing is such a wonderful way to work through the thoughts and find some agreement between yourself and ED. I just joined wordpress and it already has helped me. Remember whatever ED is telling you to do, you should probably do the opposite! Stay strong, I know being out of routine isn’t easy but you CAN do it! Check out my blog, maybe it will also help you along the way! Best of luck 🙂

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    1. Um, I’m not sure. I ate the oats but then just got sad and had a big horrible messy cry and barely any sleep. Clearly the b/p was masking that. While it’s probably good I got it out of my system I feel miserable this morning. Going to need to work hard to turn today around I think. Sigh.

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  2. Sounds like you came to a great conclusion!! Ironically for the beginning of my refeeding, before I was medicated, alcohol is what it took for me to calm down enough to eat something. So maybe that little sham page would have helped keep you calm enough to eat without purging? Idk though bc honestly I’m only going of my own experience of anorexia non purging

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