Night-time ramblings

The last few weeks have been a bit crazy and I haven’t really had the motivation to blog. I do now though (at 3am- thanks insomnia!) but there’s so much to say I don’t really know where to start so I thought I would just launch into something that came up today and see where it goes!

I have started seeing a new therapist and she is amazing. Totally knows her stuff, really able to challenge me but is also kind and empathetic at the same time. I do so much fighting against my ED and behaviours that when she acknowledged that it must get hard sometimes and I must be tired and fed up of it I burst into tears – it has been a long time since I felt anyone (outside of the blogging world!) has validated that for me. I know I need to keep fighting, but being able to just pause for a moment and go “actually it’s  bit sh*t that I ended up with this illness” was really really nice.

I also feel so blessed to have been given another opportunity to work with someone so good. After quite a few false starts and some quite frankly terrible ‘professionals’ I have now been lucky enough to work with an two amazing GPs (one now retired,  and my current one who is patient and helpful), a life-changing nurse (now retired), a not-as helpful but kept me going-nurse and now this lovely counsellor. I feel so grateful and yet so guilty at the same time. I wish everyone had access to the support they need – I know so many of you don’t and it’s just not fair. I’m trying to manage the guilt though- I wonder if I would feel the same if it was a physical illness- would I feel undeserving in the same way? It’s also about being ready to engage with the help though and be ready to make the changes needed- I met a girl who had seen my amazing first nurse and not found it helpful at all, but she admitted she wouldn’t have found anything helpful with how her mindset was at that time. Support services can help you try change that mindset, but they can’t do it for us, there has to be a bit of us that wants to reach out and grab their knowledge and support however hard it might be in order to make it work.

Part of my therapy this time (CBT-E approach, and actually cognitive behavioural therapy not a mismatch of random things with little structure) is to get back to implementing structured eating. I managed about 9 days of it and found it so helpful- I really see know how important it is- but then lost it a little so it was followed by 7 days of unstructured and chaotic eating. We identified yesterday that I have started to restrict again (it doesn’t feel like it to me- but I have lost a little weight and the voice is definitely active) so now I’m working on structured eating and making sure it’s enough, or as enough that I feel comfortable with for the moment. I can see it happening, the pendulum swinging back and forth between restriction and not purging, and regular eating and purging, but I’m still at a loss of how to stop it. I’ve got some small steps to be taking for the next two weeks though so we’ll see how that goes.

I’m hoping now I’ve done this brain dump I might be able to get some sleep! I hope you are all doing okay.

 

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12 thoughts on “Night-time ramblings

  1. Sounds like your are on it!! So glad to hear you’ve got a new weapon in your arsenal to fight this horrible illness. Your counsellor sounds great … Xx

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  2. MQR 🙂 your posts are always so valuable to me because the brightness of your insight inspires me to see my own mind and thoughts and feelings more clearly, I’m so happy for you that you’ve found this therapist that’s working for you Yay! My personal hunch is that feeling undeserving of treatment is part of the ed baggage, so feel free to shrug that off whenever you feel it X know that I’m shrugging it off too! We deserve as much help as it takes, we’re just humans! I had the first appt with my new psychiatrist and it was amazing, I felt totally validated and heard and not judged on my weight at all, hurray! It’s a specialist ed clinic and I feel very motivated to recover after the shitey relapse of the past 9 months!! Keep taking care of you, you superstar xxx thanks for writing and sharing xxx Em

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    1. Can’t express how pleased I am that you are getting helpful help- I really really hope this is a turning point for both of us. We’re both deserving of treatment, let’s keep telling ourselves that!

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      1. it’s a deal 🙂 lets definitely keep reminding ourselves that our suffering is real and that we deserve as much help as we need xx Em

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      2. ps! yes, here’s to turning points, I do think this feels like a turning point for me too 🙂 and its great to have company ! 🙂

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  3. Ps! Through my own difficulties in getting help for this relapse I discovered that I feel really strongly about spreading the message that weight is not an indicator of how much a person is suffering, how valid their feelings or need for help is… So what you say about wishing everyone could access help really resonates with me. I also think that through your blog and giving yourself a voice and care you are helping people already x

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    1. Thanks Em. If I’m even doing a tiny bit through my blog that would be a nice side-effect of how much it has helped me. I actually went to a meeting the other day and spoke about having an ED at a healthy weight- not sure they understand but it was a big step for me to start getting the message out there!

      Liked by 1 person

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