Out of control

I’ve been eating and throwing up all evening and I feel fat, sick and hopeless.

I wish someone could get rid of all food for me and just give me what I need when I need it and restrain me from eating at all   other times. 

I need to break this vicious cycle I’m in but I’m failing every time I try. I have no discipline, no willpower, everything I hate about myself is spread right in front of me every time I start eating. 

These are the things I’ve tried:

Meal planning incl. shopping and arranging with boyfriend what meals we’ll have during the week.

Ensuring I have enough calories over a day.

Taking breaks from the desk to eat.

Making my breakfast and lunch the night before so it’s ready to go. 

Not bringing money out with me so I can’t buy food. 

Distraction – although I haven’t actually had much free time- I’ve been eating while at my computer working – or while with boyfriend and then secret extras.

Ugh. I’m so ashamed of myself. I need a boost to kick start me, but my mood is too flat for me to make that happen. Bulimia and depression are far too good friends, they have completely smothered me. 

Anyone got any wisdom on how they have managed stretches like this? 

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4 thoughts on “Out of control

  1. It probably won’t help much, but having safe foods around sometimes helps me. I had a horrible sugar craving today but I mixed together uncooked oatmeal, honey, and cinnamon, and it helped so much. Since the caloric amount was fairly low, I didn’t feel terribly disgusting for eating it afterwards.

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  2. I hear ya. Are you in therapy at the minute? I guess it’s a language and subtext for how you are feeling? Are you feeling out of control, maybe the binge/purging is a distraction and cover-up for something else you are feeling or pushing aside because you fear it in some way.

    I know when I purge, it’s often about release of certain feelings that are generated such as anger, loneliness, tiredness …. Usually I ignore the feelings, press the ‘fuck it’ button, pull my head from the loo and then realise I was angry due to some issue with ex husband or similar.

    It’s a disease of isolation, yet we choose to isolate and that’s the madness with this.

    Wishing lots of strength, courage and fortitude …. Xxxx

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  3. Distraction is definitely key for me to get back on the right track. Knitting, singing, music, painting, colouring, go for a walk, watch a DVD…

    Take care and stay strong xoxo

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  4. Hang on in there! You will do the right thing and come out of this at the other side😌 You will be fine. You have worked so hard to overcome this. This episode is just a minor setback. You can pick yourself up and start again. I believe in you. I know that deep down inside you believe too otherwise you wouldn’t be going to all this trouble. You deserve better. It’s ok to ask for it and to give it to yourself. You have the power. You can do it. 💕 Julie xx

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