Busy, struggling, but holding on

I’ve been absent on wordpress for a while. I’ve been checking in, and reading, and am so grateful to all of you who write about recovery as you keep me tethered to the world of recovery and remind me of why I need to work towards it.

I’m just busy at the moment with quite a few deadlines. I’m trying to manage the stress, and was doing quite well, but I’ve been fading and lots of old habits have crept in. My behaviours are a bit out of control, and my last blood test (I get them done about every 6 months as at risk for anaemia) showed this so I know I need to address everything and get back on track, but right now I don’t have the capacity to do this. I know I will in the future, but for now I just need to hang on tight, work on getting my life on even keel again and then throw myself back into recovery.

Recovery is full of ups and downs. Just because I’m in a dip now doesn’t mean that I’m stuck here forever- I’ll find my way out again!

Hope you’re all doing okay x

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11 thoughts on “Busy, struggling, but holding on

  1. hey MQR I haven’t been on wordpress for ages either but was randomly thinking of you earlier and wondering how you were doing 🙂 i’m doing ok too, sending support to you and having faith that you will find your way out of the dip, stay kind 🙂 Em

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    1. I’ve been thinking of you too- always hard to know if people are absent is that because they’re busy living life or struggling-I hope you’re doing more of the former. I’ve a few days off this weekend so I’m heading home and hoping a few good dips in the sea will cleanse me of all my woes! Take care of you x

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      1. aw thanks MQR, I was up and down – kind of putting off posting until I had more concrete news but I do feel like I’ve kind of turned a corner the last while. I went to the doctors appointment that I was in fear of the last time I posted and it went really well! I’ve been referred onto an ed service again and am just waiting to hear when the appointment is. Meanwhile I’m working and went for a dip in the sea this morning!! the sea is so lovely and I bet it will clear your mind 🙂 xx take care too! 🙂 Em

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      2. So pleased you’ve been referred to the ED service. I really hope they can help. It’s so hard being stuck in ED land year after year. I think my new doctor understands this but I feel like my nurse throws something new at me every appointment and there’s no continuity- she opened up a can of worms about body image last month then didn’t mention it last session which has really thrown me- I’m not sure if it’s worth sticking with it anymore but too afraid to not have any support. I know I should be grateful as it’s free on the NHS but I’m so out of control behaviour wise at the moment I can’t really engage. My next appointment isn’t for a month so I’ll just keep deep breathing until then.. and just keep swimming https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Hkn-LSh7es

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      3. I love that Dory clip!! so true – keep swimming and deep breaths! when you have time and energy again you’ll be able to tackle the behaviour side – meanwhile self-kindness all the way… 🙂 Body Image is a big problem for me, I’d be totally thrown too if someone just brought it up with me and then went quiet on it, very challenging to deal with too x

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    1. Thank you Annie. I have been reading all your posts but I can’t comment through wordpress and my phone makes it hassle to comment on blogger- sorry! But I have been reading and thinking of you, enjoying seeing you out and about x

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  2. I watched this one YouTube video awhile back and the person drew a diagram of recovery that perfectly encapsulated it. I probably ought to upload a version but will see if I can explain it. On one side of the paper there was a straight diagonal line from the lower corner to the upper middle of the sheet. This was labeled My Expectations of Recovery. On the other side the line started again at the lower middle corner then scribbled all over the place in every imaginable direction like a huge ball of tangled yarn and finally pointed up to the upper right corner. It was labeled What Recovery is Really Like. I thought, wow, she really got it! I always want it to go along nice and even, steadily getting better, no bumps or crevices but that’s just not how it is sadly; recovery is all over the place with seemingly no end in sight.

    It’s kind of like all life actually. I think we, with eating disorders, though are more apt to be acutely aware of how things are ordered and how we would prefer them to be.

    Anyway, hang in there and hold on to that big tangled ball of yarn. I know I am. Maybe at some point we can make it to the part that is pointing upward. 🙂

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    1. I know the picture you are talking about and yep it is so accurate! A tangled ball of yarn is EXACTLY how my head feels right now. But we have to have faith that we’ll get there somehow, going backwards isn’t an option, staying here isn’t an option so we just need to keep on keeping on!

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    1. This is so true, and yet so hard in practice. Recovery has no deadline, no boss breathing down my neck, no colleagues to let down, no supervisor asking for drafts. “Action expresses priority” is one of my favourite sayings (learnt here on WP!) and yet my actions say everything is more important than recovery…but maybe I do really believe this, frequent purging isn’t ideal but missing a deadline would be worth I think. Argh.

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