I have been fighting all day to not binge and purge. I started with a healthy breakfast, did some study, went for a lovely long run in the woods, got home had a healthy lunch and had a sit down.
The urge started coming on as soon as my boyfriend texted to say he would be out for the day with his cousins. I was expecting an hour on my own but not any longer. Usually I love having time to myself but I was anxious today for some reason. I really didn’t want to purge. I just wanted to get on with spring clean and not spend day going back and forth between kitchen and bathroom. I especially didn’t want to go to the shop to buy food that I wouldn’t even enjoy (realising that it wasn’t worth it last week has been good for this). I knew that this was within my power but that I would have to ride out the urge to be achieve this.
The moment I knew I would be alone I felt ‘too full’. I argued with myself about that this was in my head, as a moment ago I had been fine. I implemented distractions and started cleaning. I did a good sort out of papers which always makes me feel good, but the whole time I had the voice telling me I should purge. I was at battle with myself, one part of me telling myself to let the feelings wash over me and they will subside, and the other part saying just go purge you must do this.
I lasted two hours and then drank some chocolate milk just so I could be sick. I was crying while making the milk as I felt so beaten. I don’t know how I can explain that I can know what’s right and wrong and yet have no control over how I act. I pulled it back from there so and got on with my day, but then when I realised my boyfriend wouldn’t be back for dinner I ate something just so I could be sick again. I then went to shops to get milk for the morning and managed this fine without buying anything else. When my boyfriend got home then I ate a small supper with him.
In some ways this was a positive day in that I didn’t binge, and that I stayed in the moment and really felt what was going on. I really did try to ‘ride out the waves of the urge’ but it requires so much more than that. I was fighting tooth and nail to not purge, I stopped eating, I distracted, I waited until the fullness had ceased, and then I still got sick. Riding out the urge is a complete understatement of what it takes sometimes in recovery. While on the outside I have had a good day and got what I needed done, for hours and hours of this day I have been fighting a tiring, pointless, repetitive, frustrating battle in my head.
I am so tired of my eating disorder. I’m tired of how bad it makes me feel and I’m tired from fighting it to stop it making me feel so bad. But I know the alternative, not fighting, is exhausting too. So all I can do is keep going. “If you’re going through hell…keep going”.