A tiring battle

I have been fighting all day to not binge and purge. I started with a healthy breakfast, did some study, went for a lovely long run in the woods, got home had a healthy lunch and had a sit down.

The urge started coming on as soon as my boyfriend texted to say he would be out for the day with his cousins. I was expecting an hour on my own but not any longer. Usually I love having time to myself but I was anxious today for some reason. I really didn’t want to purge. I just wanted to get on with spring clean and not spend day going back and forth between kitchen and bathroom. I especially didn’t want to go to the shop to buy food that I wouldn’t even enjoy (realising that it wasn’t worth it last week has been good for this). I knew that this was within my power but that I would have to ride out the urge to be achieve this.

The moment I knew I would be alone I felt ‘too full’. I argued with myself about that this was in my head, as a moment ago I had been fine. I implemented distractions and started cleaning. I did a good sort out of papers which always makes me feel good, but the whole time I had the voice telling me I should purge. I was at battle with myself, one part of me telling myself to let the feelings wash over me and they will subside, and the other part saying just go purge you must do this.

I lasted two hours and then drank some chocolate milk just so I could be sick. I was crying while making the milk as I felt so beaten. I don’t know how I can explain that I can know what’s right and wrong and yet have no control over how I act. I pulled it back from there so and got on with my day, but then when I realised my boyfriend wouldn’t be back for dinner I ate something just so I could be sick again. I then went to shops to get milk for the morning and managed this fine without buying anything else. When my boyfriend got home then I ate a small supper with him.

In some ways this was a positive day in that I didn’t binge, and that I stayed in the moment and really felt what was going on. I really did try to ‘ride out the waves of the urge’ but it requires so much more than that. I was fighting tooth and nail to not purge, I stopped eating, I distracted, I waited until the fullness had ceased, and then I still got sick. Riding out the urge is a complete understatement of what it takes sometimes in recovery. While on the outside I have had a good day and got what I needed done, for hours and hours of this day I have been fighting a tiring, pointless, repetitive, frustrating battle in my head.

I am so tired of my eating disorder. I’m tired of how bad it makes me feel and I’m tired from fighting it to stop it making me feel so bad. But I know the alternative, not fighting, is exhausting too. So all I can do is keep going. “If you’re going through hell…keep going”.

 

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3 thoughts on “A tiring battle

  1. I hear ya!! Sneaky baffling illness.

    I’ve had a week of torment with urges and needing a ‘fix’ of some sort. Obviously my eating disorder is just one facet of the myriad of defunct coping mechanisms I choose over ducking and diving my true feelings, like my feelings will kill me??? No, the feelings won’t, but the behaviours have the potential to FOR SURE! So I totally am inspired by the distraction, the hanging on, the doing different things …… Good bloody determination.

    I reckon reaching out and being honest in the moment could help. If it happens again, see if you can phone your boyfriend and say ‘I’m having urges to purge.’ I know that’s scary but you need a witness. Silence, isolation lets the bitch back in. You had help and admitted your issues when you went into treatment and how brave was that? So you need to keep asking for help real time when you struggle. Rigorous honesty of your feelings as they are in the present, not post purge when the pressure and anxiety has been alleviated. It’s your recovery and YOU MATTER. You have to put yourself first for a while ….. You count, you are enough, your feelings are not stupid, you are not putting anyone out, you have a right to your voice, your quiet roar …

    Another great running tune with words to shout at your eating disorder ‘Lassitude (Club Mix) by DJ Fresh & Sigma. I ran round too yesterday, feeling the love for this tune, feeling connection with my body …. Happy Monday xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You don’t realise just how massive a deal this day has been. So you had a couple of brief episodes… That’s nothing compared with what the illness wanted you to do.
    You have got through and I know you dont feel very victorious or triumphant but I feel that FOR you. You are so tired. I understand the relentlessness and the weariness that comes with this battle.
    You need rest. You’ve done so so well.
    You WILL get there. You will because you fight.
    Sending love

    ff
    x

    Like

  3. These thoughts, these emotions, these uncontrollable urges, I understand. And it is the most difficult thing to explain to someone who does not live in it. Staying present and letting the emotions watch over you can be such a rough thing. I concur with the above comment that sometimes just letting someone close know of your urges can help. Hoping the week has improved.

    Like

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