In the moment

Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge Don’t purge

My boyfriend has gone out so I have an unexpected hour to myself – first thought in my head? Oooo I can purge! This is what I was discussing with my nurse last week- that I see purging as some kind of a treat for myself. I wasn’t sure then if it was the purging or the binging that was really the treat. I desperately didn’t want it to be the binging as that would equate to being a greedy fat pig whereas if it was all about the purging it would equate to- well I’m not sure really, but in my head something less worse than it being about wanting to eat.

Anyway, this evening I am definitely thinking about purging- there is nothing I want to eat but I just had some PB, banana on toast so could throw that up- even though it was totally within my ‘food plan’ and I wasn’t worried about it. When you stop and think about it- it is kind of weird that I want to purge just for the ‘fun of it’. We all know it’s not fun, and that the small moment of satisfaction is far outweighed by the feelings of crap that come with it. So I am trying my very best to stay in the moment and figure out what I’m really thinking and if I can use that to re-route myself to a path that doesn’t end up at the toilet.

I’ve had a good day so I don’t think it’s about that. I could have gone to yoga at 6 but I decided to skip it so I could get housework done and pack for the bank holiday weekend – maybe I’m feeling guilty about that? For sure though going to yoga would be a better use of an hour than purging!I’ve got a little bit of work to do but it’s fun stuff like cutting, colouring and laminating (love my job!) so that shouldn’t be stressing me- I just need to get it done. I don’t really want to pack as I HATE packing- but it will only take me 10 minutes so it’s not worth ruining an evening over. I do feel a bit anxious about having the whole evening in front of me without a plan (should’ve gone to yoga!) and I think this could be something as I do get worried about ‘wasted time’ – but ‘purging time’ is wasted time to so what’s that about?

I don’t know- maybe it’s just ingrained habit at this point. If so, I should be able to deal with that – habits can be broken. Or maybe it doesn’t matter- I just need to not purge.

So instead I have blogged, I’ve started dinner, I’ve got ‘say yes to the dress’ on tv (don’t judge me! this is how I’m choosing to waste time!) and I’m going to finish my work, pack and do some home yoga. And I am not going to purge.

Being in the moment is awful, but if it works I will try it. I’ll keep you posted!

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9 thoughts on “In the moment

  1. Good work. Give yourself a pat on the back for avoiding a bad habit. One down! Next time it will be easier! How about a small reward? Do you like a bubble bath? Apply some body lotion? (I’m always too busy for that!) the real reward is in the achievement though😊

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    1. Thank you!
      I love a good bubble bath but there’s something about needing to have earnt it-but you’re right this could be nice reward for getting my stuff done quick enough so I have time before bed to enjoy it.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. No purging! I finished my work, packed, made dinner, did chores, wrote in journal,no time for a bubble bath but that’s okay. I made it through! Last year I could never do this but it is getting easier each time. Poor body image this morning but even that doesn’t make me regret not purging.

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  3. Thanks for sharing. I struggle with this, too. Unlike what you did, I distract myself with food, and then end up overeating and purging. I’m so glad you focused on doing healthy and productive things with your time!

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    1. Sorry to hear you struggle with this too- it’s such a hard thing to deal with, and while it’s so horrible being in the moment and aware of all the urges and battles in your head and body, I do always feel better when I don’t overeat and purge – so I’ll send you on some strength that might help you sometime. Thanks for reading and commenting.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Pingback: A tiring battle – My quiet roar

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