Was it worth it?

I binged and purged this morning. I had a couple of free hours at home and that’s what I did with my time. I fell asleep afterwards and I’ve now woken up with a horribly sore throat and a nauseous stomach.

Was it worth it? No.

I’m trying to unpick why I keep doing it. I binged on iced fingers and donuts and I enjoyed the first 3 iced fingers and then after that I was only eating so I could purge. So I got about 5 mins of enjoyment from it and then after that it was pretty miserable. Sometimes I enjoy the purging but today because I was trying to stay in the moment it wasn’t nice- my throat was really sore. So for 5 minutes of enjoyment I have wasted 5 hours (the eating, purging, and sleeping) and now I feel gross.

Was it worth it? No.

I’m trying to work on my purging and really think about it before and after – but doing so makes me sad. I feel nothing but bad things: as well as a sore throat and nausea I feel shame, guilt, disappointment. I understand why I need to do this for my recovery, I need to think of what purging actually does for me so I remember that before I start eating, I need to rewire my brain to not associate purging with a nice time for myself.

It was not worth it. I need to learn this.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Was it worth it?

  1. I did the same thing today!! I was feeling so useless and aimless and to fill the time and to make myself happy I binged and purged. And that’s all my whole day became. It definitely wasn’t worth it… are we ever going to learn 😦 I’ve never been very good at living the “short-term pain, long-term gain” mantra. Always needed immediate gratification.

    Maybe we should write about how shitty we feel (like you did in your post) and read it when we feel a strong urge to binge?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My nurse has suggested that but the thought of showing her almost makes me cry! Funny I can do it on my blog but not in person. Maybe we should try writing before we start eating to see if it changes our actions. That would be a challenge! It’s such a crappy place to be stuck isn’t it?

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: A tiring battle – My quiet roar

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s