How can I stop making silly choices?!

I’m going to abandon my positivity for the moment and have a little moan about my stupid behaviour!

I ran today with my club and it was a killer. I wasn’t well enough – I wasn’t sure if I was fully better or not but I’d been at work and seemed okay so I thought I’d give it a go- it was a mistake as I felt rough on every step. Usually we’d be chatting while running but it took everything I had to breathe and put one foot in front of the other. Bleurgh.

Anyway, I knew I had the house to myself once I was home so when driving back (oh yes, I drive to run club, so bad!). I played out my regular Tuesday evening debate in my head. Do I:

-make a healthy dinner that would nourish my body after running, and leave it at that, no purging, plus my boyfriend would have dinner for when he got home. Clearly this is always the best option!

-get chip shop chips (fries) on the way home and definitely purge them (chips were a new addition to my diet last year but I struggle to eat them without purging). This would be the quick fix ‘fill me up rapidly and easy to throw up’ option, but I would have to tell the boyfriend I didn’t make any food for him, and I would probably lie about the chips and have to hide the evidence. Plus I’m sick and in training and fries are not exactly nutritious!

-buy some binge food to eat after a healthy dinner as I’ll probably want to purge my dinner anyway seeing as I’m alone.

-not buy binge food, but then risk wanting to binge after dinner and then eating random crap at home.

This is the exhausting crap that goes on in my head. I did wonder if it was related to the bad run but I go through the same process most Tuesdays. It’s something about having the house to myself that I get overwhelmed by the need to purge. I have been experiencing this for nearly a year now and have yet to find a solution.

Anyway, I stopped at shop on way home. Bought some quorn mince for dinner and a large chocolate bar.  Ate the chocolate bar in the car sitting outside my house. Immediately wanted to purge so made a smoothie to make it worthwhile (does anyone else do that?!) then purged.

After this, I then set about making a lovely health dinner which I ate, but then felt ill from purging earlier so got sick again. I’m now in bed feeling a rubbish and frustrated with myself for making ANOTHER stupid choice. Why couldn’t I just have made a normal dinner and then had a chocolate bar after like a normal person? Why do I debate decisions of which I know the right answer and then choose the wrong one? What will it take for me to stop making the same mistakes again and again and again? How can I be so confident about myself and my behaviour in other aspects of my life yet be at mercy to a chocolate bar?!!!

Sigh. I’m really frustrated with myself right now, and really wish I knew how to break free from some of this long-lasting ED crap.

Okay, moan over. Aside from this evening I had quite a pleasant day so not all doom and gloom!

 

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6 thoughts on “How can I stop making silly choices?!

  1. That sounds so awful, that you have to put up with all that crap in your own head. But you said it was a problem on Thursdays because you’re alone? Could you organise something with a friend or something once a week so you don’t have to eat alone, keep the thoughts at bay? But anyway, I hope you find some strength to one day make the choice you know is best for you, and I’m so sorry your stuck with this. Have hope.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for the comment. Thing is I live being alone on those nights- it’s the only time I am ever in the house on my own. I think I treat the purging as a treat- in a warped way obviously. I have tried before to replace it with nice things like baths/ watching tv I like, but I’ve never been too successful with it. It’s worth trying again though, I need to make it a Tuesday mission!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Xx thinking of you MQR, you’re a fighter and you’re honest and aware and I really admire those qualities in you xxx it’s so so so exhausting fighting the head battles all the time xxx I’m exhausted these days too, from the ed behaviours and from trying to resist them xx Em

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    1. Thanks Em, sorry things are hard for you too. It’s almost more frustrating relapsing once you have made progress as it’s hard to understand how it can be happening again, but keep trusting yourself that you will come out the other side again, and make sure to take care of yourself and be kind to yourself during this hard time. x

      Liked by 1 person

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