Not okay at this weight

I saw my nurse yesterday. She weighed me and I’m at the highest weight I have ever been. Rational me knows it’s only a kilo heavier than my highest range has been before (I fluctuate about 4 kilos on her scale depending on my clothes/time of day/intake etc.) but it horrified me and I have been all over the place ever since.

I’ve let things slip. I thought I was just doing well in recovery but I haven’t, I’ve just been gluttonous and weak and eating without thinking and now I’m paying the price. I’m not being ‘strong’ by eating, I’m just being a fat greedy pig.

I’m 6 kilos over my maximum ‘safe’ weight (safe for me mentally, but also safe or me physically, it’s not a crazy number, which means that what I am now is so unnecessary and disgusting) and I can only think that getting back there is the answer to how horrible it feels right now.

To top it all off, I’m marathon training, which means that I must be eating an absolutely excessive amount to still be gaining weight.

All of this has just hit me like a ton of bricks. I really don’t want to have to deal with this body.

Sorry for the negativity 😦

 

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7 thoughts on “Not okay at this weight

  1. thinking of you Quiet Roar and sitting with you if you like while the panic passes through xx I understand the feelings of panic and horror (been there myself and will be there again) but I also understand that this weight does NOT mean that you are ‘weak’ or anything negative. As a person who is working hard to get her life and freedom back from an eating disorder you ARE being strong by eating, it is strong and I believe that, caring for yourself and eating and nourishing your body will always be strong and worthy of my respect xx just putting it out there, not to be argumentative or pushy, but to balance out the howling ed voice which I can hear is giving you a hard time. You are training for a marathon? that is courageous and takes skill too! have you done a marathon before or is it your first? I’ve never done one but have started running again after rehabbing and marathon is on my wish-list but Im also a bit intimidated by the idea!! I’ve done 15k cross country runs and a few mini-marathons but everyone talks of the marathon with a mix of fear and dreamy eyes so I’m thrilled and afraid simultaneously!! xx sending you hugs, cups of tea, deep breaths and my thoughts xxx Em

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    1. Thanks Em. I know it’s probably the ED voice but ignoring it has gotten me into this state, I also know listening to it fully will also make me miserable but I wish I could find a middle ground- would it be so bad to lose a little weight if I did it in a healthy way?
      This will be my 6th marathon- that makes me sound like a serious runner but I’m not really! I just love the feeling when you cross the finish line! I believe anyone can do one if they wanted but it’s so important to be fully healthy to start training- I did one while in a bad ED place a few years ago and it was so damaging for my body and my brain. My nurse was so sceptical when I started this one too but I’m doing it with friends so trying to be sensible with it. Keep it in your to-do list but get further along the road to recovery first, and mind that ankle of yours! Xxx

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  2. I’ve actually heard that weight gain while marathon training is pretty common, as the training increases your appetite but your body becomes so efficient it’s not really burning as many calories as you’d expect. So don’t beat yourself up about it; you’re not necessarily eating an “absolutely excessive” amount. Your body will sort itself out when you get back to your normal routine!

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  3. If your training for a marathon, it’s probably what your body needs. Don’t beat yourself up about it, because it is almost definitely unnoticeable to everyone but you. Don’t worry about the scale, It doesn’t define you. The fact that your training for a marathon means that you putting your body through something difficult, and it needs to be ready. maybe the weight gain is muscle. Stay strong!

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  4. Take a deep breath and try and put all of this in perspective. A kilo could be down to a whole number of things and in reality is such a minuscule amount. I know it seems terrifying to be in an unknown place but try and think – is it YOU which is terrified by it? Or is it really your Eating disorder?

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