End of the road?

I have talked before about how lucky I have been to have been supported by a great ED service over the past while. I’ve had a wonderful GP who recently retired and had the most amazing nurse until she left. My current nurse is also great, although in a different way. I am at a healthy weight for me and have stayed the same for about 8 months now (guess that set point theory wasn’t nonsense after all!). I eat regularly and a wide variety. I’m still purging but it’s not as frequent or violent. I’m rarely binging. My appointments have been spread out to monthly and after this mornings session I’m wondering if I’ve come to the end of my road with this service.

I don’t think my nurse has any more to teach me and I don’t need the coaching that I used to. It’s not any reflection on her, just where we’re at together. It’s a positive thing. I am firmly on the road to recovery and maybe it’s time for me to try it without professional supports. I’ll still have my friends (both online and real world) and I also have a healthy body, a much calmer mind and a whole raft of skills to draw on as needed.

I started this blog when I was alone in my recovery as I couldn’t deal with the changes recovery brought. I’ve overcome this fear and taken the leaps that needed taking. I have a feeling now this is the next leap of faith to take.

I’ve an appt in 6 weeks so I’ll talk with my nurse then. If I still feel the same maybe I’ll ask to give it 3 months until next appt and then take it from there.

I’m ready for this and so amazed that I have made it to this point after so many years. Let me be an example that recovery is possible! Hurrah for ED free life!

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12 thoughts on “End of the road?

  1. This is such a wonderful post because it proves that recovery is possible, that with the right help and your own personal determination, positive and lasting change is real.

    A stubborn and baffling illness that penetrates so deeply in every aspect of life, every experience and personal relationship; every day you’re moving forward.

    I am full of admiration for you and very grateful for the candid and unabridged ability to share your thoughts and feelings here. It has helped me in my own journey for sure. Thank you.

    You rock. Xx

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  2. I am so happy for your victories, friend. 🙂 I couldn’t help but notice one line, though… you mentioned you are still infrequently purging. I’ve been there. Even though 90% of me thought it wanted to recover, well, 10% of me still thought I had that old out, that old option…”just in case.” For me, that was really, really tricky. Our disease is always waiting for “the right time” to come back, even if it’s (mostly) down today. Personally, I have safeguards in place for exactly that situation. I’ve been very glad to have had them. Still, perhaps it’s time to move on from this nurse to another person who can help solidify your full recovery? Just a thought 🙂

    please take, Especially Good Care of yourself. 🙂
    hugs!

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    1. Thank you for your thoughts- this is really helpful.My laptop has been out of action so apologies for the delay in responding! I know I need to get rid of the purging completely but I’m really stuck with how to do it. I don’t think my nurse can help me with this- it’s going to have to be me- at our last appointment we just talked about the same things we’ve already covered and I don’t think it’s going to get me to where I need to be. Unfortunately I don’t know what will help me! I don’t think there’s anyone else that can help- I’m in the only service I’m eligible for, and while there are a couple of private therapists they don’t have the same qualifications or experience as this team so I’m reluctant to spend money on it (although I will have another look at this to see if things have changed). Thanks again for you thoughts- and if you happen to have the magic answer to stopping purging please let me know! Hope you’re well.

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      1. this is tough stuff. i would like more than anything to give you 1 magic cure answer. there are many things that work or work for a while until we’ve outgrown them. Sometimes I think the journey IS the healing. We have to become obsessed with finding health, healing and a new manner of living. Nothing can be more important than our continued commitment to getting and staying well. Support groups are of the essence. Hang in there, friend. 🙂

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  3. aw MQR this is so brilliant to read xxx I left the ed program I was in early and regret it now. I was really afraid that I’d be kicked out before I was ok and even though my T reassured me several times that that wouldn’t happen I seized on the one time he said something vaguely less straight forward and freaked out and left. Knowing that you’ve made it to this stage, and hearing you talk like this is really reassuring and I know it will be tucked away in my brain the next time I am in that situation again xxx You’re amazing 🙂 thanks for sharing this xxx Em

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    1. Thanks Em. Sorry for the late reply I’ve had laptop issues! I left my service early too- that’s when I started writing this blog actually- but I went back a little while later and it was one of the best things I could have done. I got lucky with my fab nurse though- if it had been someone else I’m not sure it would’ve been the same. I definitely understand the feeling of wanting to leave before you’re asked to leave- I worried about this a lot. It does feel nice to feel ready to leave, takes some scariness out of the situation. Finding the right help is so so hard, I feel very lucky to have been given the last year. x

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      1. hey no problem 🙂 ah wow really? you left early and came back? I’m going to have to go back through your blog and catch myself up!! I would love if I could go back to working with an ed therapist again. I feel like I would be more committed this time around…I really miss the support too, even though it was a struggle and I really clashed a lot with the guy I was working with I think I need the stability…finding out about going back is high priority on my list of things to do. Wow brilliant to be understood MQR thanks a million xxx Em

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  4. So happy to read this post. It’s been awesome following your journey and seeing you get to this point. Wish I could be there to support you in real life! Even when life gets tough, never give up. You are a fighter ❤

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    1. Thank you! It’s been a long slow journey- there’s a lot of years not documented on this blog- but I feel I’ve definitely broken through a large wall this past year. I really appreciate the support I get online- this blog has been key to me keeping going at times! I hope you’re well x

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