Wobbly

My body is wobbly. It’s always been wobbly and I’ve hated it for that. The last few years though I was on top of the wobbliness, but I know that was in a way that wasn’t healthy. Now I’m healthy, but I’m wobbly.

I’m now a bit stuck, because I’m wobbly again and I hate it. I cried in the car home today because someone posted a picture of a race and I look HUGE in it. This is the second photo in a week that I have seen of myself and wanted to hurt myself over. I’m going bridesmaid dress shopping in a few weeks and I’m dreading it: it should be a special day for my friend but I don’t know how I’m going to cope with being in front of a mirror with her pretending I’m not disgusted by what I see.

The thing is that I only know one way to deal with this. I know that dropping my calories and upping my exercise would do the trick if I gave it enough time. However I also know that that is also a surefire way to let ED back into my life (if it’s not already ED talking).

What’s the alternative? This is a genuine question as I really do not know! Do I just stay like this and hope for a miracle that at some point I will stop hating it? Do I compromise and try and ‘tone up’ a little?

I know I don’t need to lose weight. I also kind of know that I need to not lose weight. Yet I really don’t want to have to spend all day worrying about my wobble.

I’m a bit stuck, and my wobbly outside is making me wobbly inside! I’m hoping a good nights sleep will help. zzzzz

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11 thoughts on “Wobbly

  1. Remember, what we see is not reality. I was told by a psychiatrist at my ed unit that something happens in our brains so we don’t see what others see.

    I know you love to run (me too) but I also hit the gym with a hard weights programme each week. It leaves me feeling less ‘wobbly’ for doing that. At least if I’m with muscle, I am with less wobble is the justification on this one!!

    I often wonder how long it takes for the brain to recover and catch up with the body because I believe there is a point in recovery where the two are no in sync at all.

    Or is my mind forever anorexic? I hope not because the ramifications of maintaining recovery seems like a risky business. But then I also guess it’s about carrying on regardless and hopefully these new ways of being will override the old and new neural connections will be established.

    Now I’m talking myself in circles …. Lots of love xx

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    1. I don’t think my reply posted so while I’m catching up with wordpress I thought I would write it again! You’re right that getting body and mind to be in sync is not easy, but I’m really trying to trust that it will happen at some point if I can just ride these difficult feelings out. Keep talking in circles- it’s very helpful!

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  2. Your ED might be making your wobble worse than it is. I feel exactly the same – too much of myself, but then people tell me that it’s not true, so it messes with my head. Apparently, given time, our minds learn to accept our new bodies and life becomes easier. I really hope that this is the case with you. I know how much it hurts to hate one’s body, I really hope you don’t have to live with that forever. Take care xx

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  3. I can really relate! Thanks for sharing! I’m a “healthy” weight but I feel wobbly, I know I shouldn’t let my ED back in but it’s tempting as I know I prefer myself skinny (even though I still felt fat!). I’m always being told my head will catch up if I just stay a healthy weight for long enough but it’s been a long time and I don’t feel any better…will I ever be ok with a “healthy” body??

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    1. It’s true that I never felt skinny enough either even when I was underweight, but it still felt safer somehow, totally arbitrary and we shouldn’t fall for the lies! I’m hopeful too that my head will catch up, that’s what a few people have said so I know I need to trust the process. I’ve been at this healthy weight now for 8 months and although it’s not great I’ll admit it is easier. Just got to hang in there I guess! Looking forward to reading more about your journey.

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  4. If it really bothers you so much, you could always increase your excercise AND increase your calorific intake to balance it out. Your body will be more toned and firm and you’ll make sure that you stay on top of your ED 🙂

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    1. You’re right. I could. Except rational me knows that I would have to give up other things to exercise more (I already do quite a bit) and that I don’t think I could fit any more food in! I think trying to accept my body as it is might be the better approach. Thanks for your comment though, it got me thinking about how I do have a choice and that I should own my decisions – just going to write a post on this now!

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  5. Pingback: The freedom to choose | My quiet roar

  6. Heya 🙂 Thanks for your honesty. I struggle with seeing the wobbles in pics, too. Very confronting. But I teach high school (when I’m not off having a baby) and I try to tell my teenagers to respect their bodies. Their bodies might wobble, or be too pasty, or freckly or not tall enough or whatever is in their minds, but they don’t have to look far at all to see people who would kill to have their body, just as it is. A boy in a wheelchair, a girl who has to have constant operations as her skin doesn’t grow, a boy who was hit by a car and is learning to walk again. I know it’s a bit dramatic, but then, it’s not. In twenty years from now, we’d kill to have the body we have today. I say and say these things to my teenagers, and have started to learn to believe it myself. I still want to improve my body, absolutely, and be healthy, and fix my bad habits, but I also want to respect it and all the things it allows me to do. I can walk, exercise, travel, drive, LIVE, and I am lucky. I hope this small thought helps you today xxxx I certainly get hating the wobbles tho!!

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  7. Ps weight lifting will help you to not wobble. If you only do 3 sessions a week, 20-30mins, you won’t bulk up at all, but will tone you nicely x you could start with 2kg weights and end up at 5kg, that’s plenty for a girl (will make you a hot, strong girl tho lol) 🙂 This worked for me before and am just starting it all over again!

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