Not three four and five

I’ve purged the last three days. I’m realising that tackling this behaviour might be harder than I thought. I’ve done it before, last year before my old nurse left I made nearly 4 weeks, and cut down a lot after that, so I know it’s possible but I’m really struggling with managing it right now.

I know I need to take baby steps and aim for small successes rather than a long stretch with no purging at all so it’s good that in the last week I managed 2 purge free days. My doctor used to say that it’s just about cutting down so it eventually gets phased out so if I can aim for 3 purge free days next week then I need to be happy with that.

It’s just very frustrating to have got to this weight, and managed to maintain it, but then still be stuck with horrible ED behaviours. I have a nurse appointment this week, my first in six weeks, so hopefully we can come up with some way of addressing it together.

Recovery needs to become my focus again, I need to make sure I’m choosing it everyday and I need to prioritise it above everything else. I’m so fed up of having to do that but if I really want to stop purging then I know it’s the only way. It’s just hard hard work sometimes and I am just a little tired from having to continually fight myself.

Step one is to get to make lunch and breakfast for tomorrow, get to bed at a reasonable time and go for a swim in the morning as I know that’s a good way to start my week. That’s all I need to focus on managing right now. One step at a time…

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7 thoughts on “Not three four and five

  1. Horrible bloody purging. It has me by my throat at times too. I just managed a 17 day streak (longest since 2013) so I really understand how stubborn this behaviour is and how you feel about it still being part of your life when you have achieved such great recovery.

    I know it’s upsetting but it does not detract from your journey thus far. I think you have achieved amazing results and I get so much from you sharing your life via the blogosphere.

    A calm sea never made a good sailor. You’ll do it. Somewhere there is a method; I’ll never stop searching until I find it.

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  2. I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling, but am proud of you for being honest about it, I know it’s hard. Question for you though, do you feel counting days helps or puts pressure on you? I ask because I got obsessive with counting and felt awful if I had a slip and had to restart the count, so I just stopped counting and now it’s been well over 100 days since I’ve binged or purged. But do whatever works best for you, you have my support and I’m sending recovery vibes your way!!

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  3. Don’t give up hun. Going for two days without purging is a huge step in the right direction. It’s okay that you fell back. The important thing is to keep trying. There was a time before my last IP stay purging was my life. I could not drink a glass of water without purging it. My tummy had to be empty at all times. I honestly could not imagine not purging for a single day. I now have not purged AT ALL IN NINE MONTHS and TEN DAYS.
    Over the years the longest I had gone without purging was I think 3/4 days….I wish I could tell you how exactly I stopped…like there was a magic answer…but i think its different for everyone hun…
    I think you should be really proud of yourself and you CAN do this ❤ xxx

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