I’ve purged the last three days. I’m realising that tackling this behaviour might be harder than I thought. I’ve done it before, last year before my old nurse left I made nearly 4 weeks, and cut down a lot after that, so I know it’s possible but I’m really struggling with managing it right now.
I know I need to take baby steps and aim for small successes rather than a long stretch with no purging at all so it’s good that in the last week I managed 2 purge free days. My doctor used to say that it’s just about cutting down so it eventually gets phased out so if I can aim for 3 purge free days next week then I need to be happy with that.
It’s just very frustrating to have got to this weight, and managed to maintain it, but then still be stuck with horrible ED behaviours. I have a nurse appointment this week, my first in six weeks, so hopefully we can come up with some way of addressing it together.
Recovery needs to become my focus again, I need to make sure I’m choosing it everyday and I need to prioritise it above everything else. I’m so fed up of having to do that but if I really want to stop purging then I know it’s the only way. It’s just hard hard work sometimes and I am just a little tired from having to continually fight myself.
Step one is to get to make lunch and breakfast for tomorrow, get to bed at a reasonable time and go for a swim in the morning as I know that’s a good way to start my week. That’s all I need to focus on managing right now. One step at a time…