I’m lying in bed feeling rotten after purging my dinner in the shower (gross). Over the past few weeks I’ve been sick after at least one meal every few days, then every second day and now it’s back to everyday again. My latest thing is eating ice-cream after dinner in front of my boyfriend and then being sick either when ‘washing my teeth’ or ‘having a shower’.
This is a new low for me, I don’t think he knows what I’m doing but it feels like I’m testing the boundaries of how acceptable I am making bulimia, or EDNOS or whatever you want to call it. Between dinner (eating past the point of being full) and ice-cream I’m effectively binging in front of him, and then I just sneak upstairs. I’m not sure why but this feels even worse than doing it all in secret.
I’m doing so well in recovery in most aspects. I’m dealing with the weight gain, I’m eating a range of foods, I’m eating regularly and spontaneously, I’m training sensibly. I’m dealing with ‘life issues’ when they arrive but I am still lacking the power to stop eating when I’m full. I keep going to the point that I need to purge (with the various stomach issues this is an actual need, no simply a mental one, if I went to bed without purging I’m likely to be up in a few hours involuntarily getting sick). The purging isn’t really the problem, I don’t think, it’s the overeating.
I feel fat, weak and gluttonous saying that but it’s true. I just can’t seem to find the strength to stop eating. I really believed that I was not greedy just hungry but I now have to face the truth that I’m not hungry and I am actually just greedy. I’m really stuck as to how I’m ever going to change this pattern as I seem to keep ending up back here.
I do wonder if this is as good as it will get for me, I’m not being so sick that I’m not keeping in nutrients;I don’t feel great after it but I can still function and if I can sleep after I’m usually okay by morning; I’m healthy even while doing this. But on the other hand I’m ashamed, I’m angry at myself and I’m frustrated. I’m just not sure what the answer is. Has anyone else got stuck at this point?!