I had an interesting thought the other day. I have been feeling ‘fat’ the last little while and had come to the decision that I needed to do something about it, and that I should try and lose a little weight. I figured if I could lose just a couple of kilos I would make the day to day reality of being in my body a little easier. I’m aware of how “ED” this sounds but we all know how easy it is to put sense to one side when it comes to behaviours.
So I decided I would “tighten up” on things that I let loose with: weighing food, counting out my food, cutting down, adding in a bit extra into my workout. These are the rules that I just to live my life by but after even a day of it last week I was starting to feel stressed by it, and a few days in I could feel the obsessiveness creeping back in.
Then one of the days I was making my lunch then and I thought about how it was a shame I couldn’t have a sandwich instead of a salad because I’m back to not eating bread. Bread was such a fear food for me and sandwiches have only re-entered my life after years without them. It was such a scary process adding sandwiches into my routine and trusting that I wouldn’t balloon, and here I was having to convince myself to not eat them again.
This made me realise that for where I’m in recovery now, eating a sandwich would be easier that not eating a sandwich. I thought about other things too, not counting my blueberries into my porridge is easier than counting them. Not having to weigh my food is makes things a lot quicker in the kitchen, eating the same as my boyfriends means that he gets to cook me dinner. Whereas all of these things used to be so anxiety producing, they now had faded away.
Somewhere along the way being well had become easier than being sick.
I’ll be honest that I panicked a little bit. Does this mean I’ve become weak? Does this mean I’ve lost control? Am I a lesser person now because I like sandwiches? Should I be ashamed for eating cake?
Deep down I know that the fact that being well has become easier is a positive thing. The thought of going back now just seems a bit silly, why would I put myself through that to lose weight when in fact I am doing just fine at this weight. It’s been a little scary noticing this shift, but maybe it’s an important part of recovery. Roll on a life full of sandwiches 🙂