I was meant to be running a marathon today. I signed up about 5 months ago after much deliberation about whether it was a good idea. I was in a fairly good place in terms of ED recovery and I thought it would be good motivation to stop purging as that had worked the previous year. I also figured it would be easy enough to knock out the training as I’m fairly active in the summer anyway.
But then the friend I was racing it with got injured and had to pull out, I realised I’d be on holidays during my heaviest training weeks and I was starting to miss out on other fun stuff due to training commitments. It just started to seem like not so good an idea, but I had already signed up so pulling out wasn’t an option as I didn’t want to not follow through. I didn’t want people to think I was weak and that I can’t manage a zillion things at once. I felt like dropping out would mean admitting I’m fat and lazy. I thought I would just beat myself up about it all summer.
After a good heart to heart with myself I realised that deep down I didn’t want to do it, and that actually it would take more strength for me to say no than it would to plough through it. I realised that self-care is not the same as weakness.
So the day has come and do I regret pulling out? No! Not a bit! I had a lovely trail run with a friend this morning now I’m having a lazy lunch with the boy before meeting my sister for a movie. Bliss.
Sometimes it takes strength to do what we want to do rather than what we should do but it’s important to be true to ourselves- that’s my lesson from this experience anyway!