If it’s not about weight what is it about?

I’m at my set point. I’m okay with being here. I know I can’t try to lose weight and I’m doing okay with resisting that. I’m eating enough, I’m not hungry and I’m not depriving myself.

So why am I still purging? I’m overeating sometimes and can’t deal with feeling full, but other times I’m eating or drinking just to feel full enough to purge. I’m not trying to undo the calories and I’m sometimes only throwing up ‘a little’ (rather than trying to empty my stomach) but I’m doing this either every day, or every second or third day which is enough to make feel a bit crap at times.

I feel like I’m so close to recovered in so many aspects, but how can I declare I’m recovered if I’m still purging on a regular basis?

If anyone has any insights I would be so grateful!

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7 thoughts on “If it’s not about weight what is it about?

  1. Hiya. Do you think it might still be a form of doing something with uncomfortable feelings?

    Progress not perfection. Recovery is not destination complete, it will always be a process. If you think about all you’ve achieved then this remaining facet of your eating disorder is just that; it doesn’t mean you are not working your recovery, it’s just something you need to work on.

    You’re an inspiration. Don’t lose sight of your achievement. Make sure you tell your nurse though.

    Xxxx

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    1. Thank you. My nurse does know, and her thoughts are similar to yours, that if it’s not about weight control then it must be about emotions and a leftover poor coping strategy. I think I haven’t wanted to face this though as it’s is far less easier to do something about. I guess I need to focus on distraction/ riding it out etc. Argh it’s hard. Thanks for your input, it really is appreciated.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. It sounds like it’s a way of your eating disorder still trying to cling on to you, in any way it can. You are strong enough to leave it behind you now, you don’t need ED in your life! Maybe try cutting back, ever so slowly, until you can stop? You can do this! X

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    1. Thanks for the input. I wonder if it’s ED clinging on to me or me clinging on to ED? I do want to be fully recovered but I think there is a small part of me that is scared by that. Man this is such an irrational illness! You’re right though that I need to go back to basics with trying to cut down. I needed someone to tell me that!

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    1. Thanks for your input. I think it is self-punishment at some times, especially if I’ve overeaten or binged. It’s just hard to always see it as self-punishment if it’s something I enjoy at the time (the purging is the part that I enjoy, more than the eating most times) – I realise how gross this sounds but does that make sense?

      Liked by 1 person

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