I think having my last appointment with my GP has rattled me a bit. My ED support is really winding down now and I’m coming to realise that I’m going to need to start facing the battle of recovery on my own and it’s kind of scaring me. At my last nurse appointment we agreed to leave it a month before my next session, and then from then maybe another month – six weeks, eventually leading to discharge.
I know this is a positive thing – I do get that. I know how far I have come: I am doing fairly good food wise, my weight is stable, I can talk about things, I have friends and a boyfriend to lean on as needed. But on the other hand, I spent so long being alone in my depressed eating disordered world that I’m frightened about being alone with it again. I feel weak for admitting it but it has been really nice to have people look after me the past year. I never really had this before and it has been a great comfort, but I think I’ve got a bit soft now about things and I’m worried I’m not tough enough to be on my own. I have quietened so many of the demons but I’m no convinced they’re not lurking somewhere ready to pounce the moment I’m a bit vulnerable. I’m also going to really miss knowing that I have someone to go to on a regular basis who will make sure I’m doing okay.
I know the only way to see if I can do this is to try it and see what happens, but I’m just a bit scared and sad tonight about moving on. I don’t think I’m articulating this very well but it’s been in my head the past couple of days so I thought I would try write it out – I guess my jumbled thoughts in my head are just as jumbled on screen!
For the past year I have been blessed to have the support of a very wise doctor and a wonderful ED nurse. My nurse retired in June (which still makes me a little tearful to think about as she really was my angel – I honestly don’t think I would be here without her) and while I have been fortunate enough to have another great nurse I am