A little bit low

I’m tearful and sad today – I have too much in my brain and too much in my heart going on and that coupled with a disrupted routine, being away from home, lack of sleep, weight gain and IBS and I am done in.

I know it will pass, I trust that now, but it doesn’t stop the down days sucking and the fact that this has come while I’m on holidays and meant to be re-booting for the year ahead is not helping (although I’m aware the pressure I have on using these holidays to ‘re-boot’ is a factor). I’m just feeling very alone in the darkness even though I have amazing support, it’s too hard to explain. I’m also very guilty for feeling down even though I have a truly wonderful life. I don’t want to feel like this and I’m frustrated that I can’t make it go away.

I am trying though – I know making an effort helps so even though my instinct was saying ‘roll in a ball and hide in the cupboard’ I have ignored this (mainly because I’m not alone to do this!) and done the following:

  • went for a non-timed run in the sun this morning
  • stopped at the top of the hill and sat trying to be mindful (bit hit and miss!)
  • texted a friend to tell her what was going on
  • ate a proper lunch
  • saw some poetry and comedy to distract myself (the festival is a wonderful place for that!)
  • ditched evening plans with the boyfriend to come home and get early night
  • blogged so that I can get my thoughts down before trying to sleep

None of these things cured me, but I reckon I would be feeling far worse if I haven’t tried them I’ve also engaged in some far less helpful behaviours which made me feel better temporarily but then far worse, but let’s not concentrate on them for the moment. I think I could really do with a good cry but I need time and space alone to do that and I just don’t have that at the moment. I really really really miss living on my own.

I wish I could just press pause so I could roll up in the cupboard and cry, but life is too smart for that so will continue around me waiting for me to join in again. Thanks for listening.

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4 thoughts on “A little bit low

  1. I am so impressed by you and happy to see you writing. I’m so sorry to hear you’re having a tough time, but you are doing it. You’ve done a lot of positive things for yourself and you should be so proud. Stay strong, girl. Praying for you and thinking of you. ❤

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