Potential trigger warning- nasty ED thoughts.
Realising my lucky dress was now tight on me was a not so nice surprise, I was flooded with ED thoughts which played over and over again throughout the day and the weekend.
“See I told you you were fat now” “Everyone will have noticed how much you’ve gained, they’re just being polite by not saying anything” “People are going to think you eat as much as your boyfriend and that’s why you’ve gained weight” “You’re so round” “Feel how you wobble when you walk” “Your fat arms are not really fat- feel how the dress pinches on them”
After the ego bashing then came EDs suggestions:
“If you lost X then all your clothes would just fit better, you could still wear your new recovery clothes but they would just fit better” “Y wouldn’t be enough to worry people but it would make you just feel so much more comfortable” “You could just start with a goals of Z- just to get you back to weight you feel safe” “We’re not talking restriction, just tightening up the reigns here and there” “If we add back in the exercise sessions you’ve taken out that would just give us a buffer”
Except now I’ve been eating a healthy amount for a while I can recognise how dangerous these thoughts can be. It doesn’t matter if it’s 1 kilo or 10 kilos, the moment I decide to try and lose weight is the moment I take myself off the path to recovery and head straight back to being ill. Skipping one meal here and there exposes me to starvation. Cutting back during the day leads to binges when I’m alone. Adding in an extra exercise session results in an exhaustion that carries over to daily life. I know what life with an eating disorder looks like and I don’t want my future to be like that.
All of this means that I have to accept my body as it is now. I have to accept that’s it rounder then I’d like. I have to be okay with the wobbles. I have to cope when clothes don’t fit. I have to embrace that my body looks like a woman’s. I have to learn to love the softness instead of all the sharp bony edges.
I wish with all my might that I was a naturally thin person, and that recovery for me would mean a flat stomach, skinny arms and fitting into all the clothes I want, but that is not the body I was born into and if I really want to recover I need to learn to be okay with that. It’s time to make peace with my body so that I can find peace in my mind. It’s been far too long, it’s time to move on.