Accepting recovery at any size

Potential trigger warning- nasty ED thoughts.

Realising my lucky dress was now tight on me was a not so nice surprise, I was flooded with ED thoughts which played over and over again throughout the day and the weekend.

“See I told you you were fat now” “Everyone will have noticed how much you’ve gained, they’re just being polite by not saying anything” “People are going to think you eat as much as your boyfriend and that’s why you’ve gained weight” “You’re so round” “Feel how you wobble when you walk” “Your fat arms are not really fat- feel how the dress pinches on them”

After the ego bashing then came EDs suggestions:

“If you lost X then all your clothes would just fit better, you could still wear your new recovery clothes but they would just fit better” “Y wouldn’t be enough to worry people but it would make you just feel so much more comfortable” “You could just start with a goals of Z- just to get you back to weight you feel safe” “We’re not talking restriction, just tightening up the reigns here and there” “If we add back in the exercise sessions you’ve taken out that would just give us a buffer”

Except now I’ve been eating a healthy amount for a while I can recognise how dangerous these thoughts can be. It doesn’t matter if it’s 1 kilo or 10 kilos, the moment I decide to try and lose weight is the moment I take myself off the path to recovery and head straight back to being ill. Skipping one meal here and there exposes me to starvation. Cutting back during the day leads to binges when I’m alone. Adding in an extra exercise session results in an exhaustion that carries over to daily life. I know what life with an eating disorder looks like and I don’t want my future to be like that.

All of this means that I have to accept my body as it is now. I have to accept that’s it rounder then I’d like. I have to be okay with the wobbles. I have to cope when clothes don’t fit. I have to embrace that my body looks like a woman’s. I have to learn to love the softness instead of all the sharp bony edges.

I wish with all my might that I was a naturally thin person, and that recovery for me would mean a flat stomach, skinny arms and fitting into all the clothes I want, but that is not the body I was born into and if I really want to recover I need to learn to be okay with that. It’s time to make peace with my body so that I can find peace in my mind. It’s been far too long, it’s time to move on.

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6 thoughts on “Accepting recovery at any size

  1. No going back- I’m with you on that one. The longer I can put between me now and the me who needs to lose weight the easier I feel it will be to stay well. We only need to do it one day at a time, but each day is so important. x

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  2. It sounds like you’re in the stage where you’re starting to feel the awesomeness of recovery but aren’t totally stoked about getting used to a body that might have more curves than your ED body. I remember being there, and I have fabulous news! You’ll get through this stage! I feel super comfortable in my skin now, and it feels good to have boobs, curves, and…dare I say it…a little fat! I’m so excited for you!

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    1. Thanks so much. I can definitely feel myself edging towards moving on and it so so great to hear from someone that has made it through and can vouch for how great things are the other side. Thank you for posting, it really means a lot!

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  3. Your thoughts that “skipping one meal here and there exposes me to starvation, cutting back during the day leads to binges when I’m alone, adding in an extra exercise session results in an exhaustion that carries over to daily life.” really rang with me. It’s SO easy for one little “ed-approved” tactic to spiral down into a horrible place. There are so many days when I think to myself, skipping one meal won’t hurt, running one extra mile won’t do any harm, when in actuality I would just be feeding into ED orders. But I’m glad you’re leaning towards more positive thinking. You’re right – peace of your mind does start with peace of the body. Best of luck! xx

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  4. I’m so proud of you! Realizing those ED thoughts are just a bunch of junk is going to help you in your recovery. We know that giving in will lead to the slippery slope, and once we start falling it’s hard to stop. As you know, I’m also working on accepting my ‘recovery size’ so we are in this together!! You’re not alone in this. 🙂

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