Why will I not give up on my eating disorder?

I hate having an eating disorder. I hate the secrecy. I hate feeling out of control around food. I hate the fear of being caught purging. I hate the feeling after purging. I hate binging. I hate the urge to binge. I hate exercising when I’m tired. I hate the acid reflux. I hate my bowel problems. I hate the looks and the suspicion. I hate the feeling of certain numbers on the scale. I hate the continuous thoughts of calories. I hate the comparing I do with other people’s bodies and eating habits. I hate the fear about not being able to have children. I hate the damage I have to done to my body that has not yet shown itself. I hate depression. I hate being tearful. I hate my self harm scars. I hate the feeling of fat on my body. I hate my rolls of flab. I hate the bloodshot eyes. I hate the feeling of realising there is vomit on your shoes. I hate that the only time I feel good about myself is when I restrict. I hate the lying. I hate putting my eating disorder ahead of all of the wonderful people and parts of my life.

If all is this is true then why do I keep going with it? Why do I not put every ounce of my being into getting rid of it and staying rid of it? Why is that feeling of losing weight worth all the above horrors? Why is the fear of gaining weight worse than the fear of dying? How can I see so clearly that my eating disorder is trying to destroy my life and yet not use any of the knowledge and techniques I have to fight it? How can I sit here and write all of this knowing I am about to go purge my dinner?

I wish I knew. I really wish I could figure this one out.

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5 thoughts on “Why will I not give up on my eating disorder?

  1. That’s the insanity. It’s like an abusive partner. We keep going back thinking that the next time might be different. But it won’t and sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.

    However, if recovery is really what we want, we have to take a leap if faith. In that leap our worst fears could be realised but just as probable is a life beyond our wildest dreams. How do we know unless we try? The letting go and taking a risk is the hardest thing because we know how enigmatic our eating disorders are and how we feel safer if we obey the voice that seeks to destroy us.

    I hear you xx

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    1. I think I just keep getting stuck on whether recovery is really want I want. I say it is but something keeps pulling me back here. It’s really hard to make non-ED people understand this. Thanks for reading.

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      1. I know what you mean, non-ED people are like, “Why aren’t you over it yet? Don’t you know how dangerous it is? Just stop!” And I’m thinking, Oh really, thanks Einstein, I never thought of that! Wow you have the cure for mental illness! My roommate in college literally said these things to me, like I couldn’t have thought of that on my own. And it’s not even a matter of knowledge really. Yes, education is good, but I’ve seen countless professionals, been to many programs, read every book, etc., but just because I know so much about the subject doesn’t make it easy to just get over it. There’s always this pull towards it. It’s the whole thing of thinking, I’d rather be with unhappy and thin than unhappy and fat, because apparently I’m gonna be unhappy either way. Might as well have something going for me, even it’s a disease that I happen to be “good” at. Hmm this turned into a pretty negative comment, sorry. I’m just frustrated with myself too!

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  2. Also, I really relate to everything you said, but the thing that really got me was this: “I hate that the only time I feel good about myself is when I restrict.” And that’s the draw. We may hate all those other things you mentioned (and trust me, I do hate those things), but it’s the feeling you get when you restrict that pulls us back. For me it’s like how I view myself. I’ve been feeling miserable about my weight/body, and I really hate myself since I’ve been anorexic and any anorexic worth her stuff wouldn’t be caught dead as fat as I am. So I’ve been telling myself to keep eating, that it’ll be ok, but I can’t get rid of this horrible self loathing that’s there all the time. And I feel so helpless about it, like I have no control. But if I restrict, even if I’m not thin yet, I feel better. I’m feel like I have control back and that I’m not stuck in the body I hate anymore because I have the power to change it if I stick with it. When I was really underweight, I thought of myself as successful, in control, disciplined, superior to others because I didn’t need food, dainty, graceful, and I dare say, even beautiful. Of course that’s me looking back on it now, romanticizing ED, putting my anorexic self on a pedestal, envying what I once was. And I know in reality, I was depressed and trapped in fear and felt sick all the time, but from where I am now, I feel like I’d take that misery over my current situation because at least then I was thin. And even though I still hated myself, it gave me security, false or not, but security none the less. *Sigh* This was supposed to be a short post lol. Now I have 2 long comments on here, but it’s nice that other people actually understand (and no, I would not wish this hell on anyone, but it’s nice to know that I’m not completely alone).

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    1. Don’t worry at all about having the long comments- as you said it’s nice that other people understand. You’re right about it being security, it’s a safe place in some ways even though it doesn’t feel safe at the time. Thanks for reading.

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