Choosing ED over life

Today I chose to binge and purge twice which resulted in me feeling so rotten by the time evening rolled around that I couldn’t face going out with my friends as planned so I bailed.

I know my boyfriend is annoyed at me for doing so and I know I will have to deal with that tomorrow but at the time I couldn’t make myself get up and go. I couldn’t put on a happy face and pretend everything was okay when my stomach was cramping, I had wind, my eyes were bloodshot (oh, the glamorous side effects of bulimia!) and I felt huge.

In know I’ve been slipping in terms of purging but I think this is the first time since I started using behaviours again that it’s had such a direct impact on my life. My real life- the one in which I have a job and a boyfriend and friends and hobbies, not the secret underground life of bulimia. I thought I could just keep ‘a little’ of my ED- that purging a couple of times a week would be okay and wouldn’t have much impact, but it doesn’t work like that. It starts to seep into everything and I know how that story goes. I don’t want that version, so I know I need to get a grip on things.

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’

I will do better tomorrow.

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2 thoughts on “Choosing ED over life

  1. hi! I’ve been meaning to comment on your blog. I’ve been absent but keeping up with all of your posts. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been slipping, but as we all know, it’s part of the process unfortunately. I think it’s a good thing that you’re realizing the direct impact your ED behaviors can have on your life and I can relate to this in every way. I’ve felt that terrible feeling of not wanting to go out- and sometimes, I’ve even gone out after purging with bloodshot eyes and broken blood vessels in my face, when my friends don’t even realize what I’ve just done! It’s actually insane. Love the quote you included at the end. I would agree, and I needed this today. I know you can get back on track with recovery!! Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need to ❤ Thinking of you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. I’m feeling a little lost with it at the moment but I know I had made progress so when I can pull my self together I think I’ll able to give it another push. I hope you’re taking care of you.

      Liked by 1 person

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