Today I chose to binge and purge twice which resulted in me feeling so rotten by the time evening rolled around that I couldn’t face going out with my friends as planned so I bailed.
I know my boyfriend is annoyed at me for doing so and I know I will have to deal with that tomorrow but at the time I couldn’t make myself get up and go. I couldn’t put on a happy face and pretend everything was okay when my stomach was cramping, I had wind, my eyes were bloodshot (oh, the glamorous side effects of bulimia!) and I felt huge.
In know I’ve been slipping in terms of purging but I think this is the first time since I started using behaviours again that it’s had such a direct impact on my life. My real life- the one in which I have a job and a boyfriend and friends and hobbies, not the secret underground life of bulimia. I thought I could just keep ‘a little’ of my ED- that purging a couple of times a week would be okay and wouldn’t have much impact, but it doesn’t work like that. It starts to seep into everything and I know how that story goes. I don’t want that version, so I know I need to get a grip on things.
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow’
I will do better tomorrow.