The heaviest weight

I am at my heaviest weight ever.

Based on facts, I’m probably at my set point as I’ve been this weight for a while now. I’m in the ‘normal range’ BMI-wise and I’m a size of clothing that means I can fit in most of my regular clothes but have had to donate my ‘thin’ wardrobe.

Emotionally wise though, I am a mess. I can feel every kilo I’m carrying that is above my maximum safe weight. I can’t bear to look in the mirror, I won’t change in front of people (including my boyfriend), I’m pinching my fat and I self harmed yesterday on my ‘flabby bits’ and I generally hate my body. I’m thinking about my body and food consumption more than I ever did when I was lighter and it’s starting to interfere with me getting on wit my daily life.

I’ve started restricting and have purged a few meals recently which unsurprisingly led to a binge last night.  I was trying to be more flexible with exercise but I think getting back to a regular routine will help so I’ve been doing that this week.

I feel like I’m back to square one, but this time I’m fat with it. If I’m going to feel so miserable and be engaging in behaviours I might as well be at a safe weight doing it so that I don’t want to cry every time I think about my body.

I thought if I put on the weight and stayed there for a while I would get used to it and learn to live with it. I was clearly kidding myself. This is really really hard.

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2 thoughts on “The heaviest weight

  1. stay strong, please dont binge and definatly dont purge, u probs already know how its bad for yoou stomach and teeth but i guess u dont think about it when yu do it. just rememebr theres a reason why theres a bmi range, and if u are normal than u are healthy and otheer people want healthy. you may feel like u have gotten bigger but i doubt anyone notcies your healthy weight gain, and prehaps if they do its a good thing ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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