I am at my heaviest weight ever.
Based on facts, I’m probably at my set point as I’ve been this weight for a while now. I’m in the ‘normal range’ BMI-wise and I’m a size of clothing that means I can fit in most of my regular clothes but have had to donate my ‘thin’ wardrobe.
Emotionally wise though, I am a mess. I can feel every kilo I’m carrying that is above my maximum safe weight. I can’t bear to look in the mirror, I won’t change in front of people (including my boyfriend), I’m pinching my fat and I self harmed yesterday on my ‘flabby bits’ and I generally hate my body. I’m thinking about my body and food consumption more than I ever did when I was lighter and it’s starting to interfere with me getting on wit my daily life.
I’ve started restricting and have purged a few meals recently which unsurprisingly led to a binge last night. I was trying to be more flexible with exercise but I think getting back to a regular routine will help so I’ve been doing that this week.
I feel like I’m back to square one, but this time I’m fat with it. If I’m going to feel so miserable and be engaging in behaviours I might as well be at a safe weight doing it so that I don’t want to cry every time I think about my body.
I thought if I put on the weight and stayed there for a while I would get used to it and learn to live with it. I was clearly kidding myself. This is really really hard.