Feeling my feelings

The theory is that my eating disorder does a good job of masking my feelings and therefore I’ve never really learnt how to cope in other ways. In this way it has served quite a valuable purpose in my life as I had a fair few things (as we all do I guess all in our different ways) that I needed not to be feeling.

I’m at the point now that I’m starting to develop better ways of managing things and my nurse repeatedly says to me ‘you no longer need it in your life’. I have been trying to believe her on this but I have been having a bit of a hard time recently and as I haven’t been engaging in behaviours in order to distract myself from real life I am now experiencing actually feeling my feelings and I have to confess that I am really struggling with it. My ED thoughts are raging so I’m not only having to deal with life stress but suddenly recovery has also stepped up a notch so everything seems overwhelming.

There’s a part of me that thinks it’s not possible to work on recovery during stressful times but I know that’s ED speaking, rationale me knows this is exactly the time that I need to be working on things. But IT IS HARD and I’m tired, weary, fat and feeling very very lonely in my battle.

Can anyone convince me it gets easier or is it going to be this hard every time I have a stressful period? I’m so scared this will be something I will keep having to fight as I’m worried I don’t have it in me.


2 thoughts on “Feeling my feelings

  1. I wish I could convince you but I have to convince myself first I reckon… Otherwise it’d be nothing short of hypocrisy, which I don’t do.
    I am in a similar place. Tired of the ED, knowing that it has served a purpose, but trying to move past that and into a new zone.
    So so so tough.

    I am trying to focus on the things that might lie ahead, as a way of kind of… keeping recovery as a goal. But it’s hard when nothing is definite…. when it seems like I have nothing concrete to reach for.

    Know that you re not alone in your battle. I wish you all the best as you step out of the shadows.



  2. It is so hard to have to deal with stress on top of ED recovery. Remember, though, that it gets easier as you keep fighting. Recovery is beautiful and it is worth it. Keep fighting and you will come out on the other side.


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