I have figured out that one way in which I use binge/purging is as a procrastination method. I do also use the classic techniques of cleaning my room, colour sorting my socks and other such emergencies that mean I can’t possibly do the one thing I actually need to do(!), but b/p-ing is definitely one of the strategies I employ.
I was feeling a bit vulnerable this evening, I’ve got a bit of a cold and I was travelling for work so it was a long long day. I knew when I got home I had some chores that needed doing and had to get on with some other routine (but important in terms of recovery) tasks such as packing my bag for tomorrow (to ensure I make my early morning yoga class) and making breakfast and lunch (so I have no excuses to skip meals). I could feel the urge to binge coming on. I didn’t want any particular food, I wasn’t particularly hungry, but I did want the world to stop for a little while and for all the things I needed to do to magically disappear.
However, I’m finally starting to realise that b/p-ing doesn’t work like this. What actually happens is the tasks still need doing and now purging takes so much out of me that I feel less able to get on with things than ever. Of course this makes sense, and any non-ED person could spot this straightaway, but this illness really does distort my view sometime.
So tonight I recited a great motto I learnt from The Happiness Project book ‘If you can’t get out of it, get into it’ so I ate some soup, washed the dishes, tidied the house (left the hoovering for the boy- alls fair in love and housework), put on a wash, packed my bag for the morning and made my lunch and dinner. Now it’s 8pm and I am tucked up in bed feeling delighted with myself. This was a definitely a better outcome that b/p-ing.
And so if I can stay put for the night that will bring me to one whole week without purging-yay me! I know it’s only a short time really but it feels like a miracle from how the last few months have been. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.