I had an appointment with my ED nurse yesterday and we continued the focus on why my purging has sky-rocketed over the past while. I managed to resist it for one day but have been purging daily otherwise and it’s starting to take its toll on my mental health, I’m feeling so out of control and so exhausted from it all.
We talked it all out, while I cried and cried, and she wrote down the random words and thoughts I uttered in between reaches for the tissues. The conclusion we have come to is that I’m using purging as my release: where I used to have a good cry I now rarely do because of the anti-depressants, I used to self-harm but I have made good progress with that, I used to maybe hide out in bed but now living the boy I don’t have as much time on my own, running used to be my time but now I’m a member of a club that has become more social. When I purge I feel like it sets the restart button, that I can pick myself up again and continue with life.
The goal now is to convince myself that purging is not the way to do this, I need a different way of mentally purging and need to not overeat so that I don’t need the physical purge. This seems to fit better that finding a new hobby to distract me and have as my own time. I need to get to the point where I can have my own time that doesn’t involve distraction and resisting. I need to be able to release what is building up inside me in other ways so that I no longer need to purge.
One of the ways I figure this can be done is by having a good cry. I used to cry all the time and while crying is healthy I was doing it practically 24/7 which was interfering with uni and work. The anti-depressants have been good for this but almost too good, now I rarely cry even when I feel like I could have a good sob.
So, my homework for this week is to cry. Yep, proper ugly snotty crying and to see if that helps with needing to purge. I started yesterday at my appointment and then pretty much cried all day and night. The poor boy came home and I told him to just leave me alone and leave me to it. So I cried and cried and cried, over nothing at all really, just about feeling fat and sad and fed up and defeated.
Who knows if this will help but anything is worth a try at this point!