I’m in a funny place a the moment.
In some ways things are going quite well- I’m on top of work, living with the boy is going great, my Mum and sister are both in good places so I’m not worrying about them, the weather is finally becoming Spring like and the evenings are stretching out. Externally- all is positive.
But internally, I’m a little bit not okay. I’m down. A bit flat. I’m tearful and I think I’d be permanently crying if it weren’t for my anti-depressants. Blood tests showed I’m anaemic (again) so that might explain some of it. My behaviours are also back and I’m tired from having to fight urges/ sit with feelings/ think about food ALL DAY LONG, from when I wake up until when I fall asleep, even when I’m dreaming! The positive thing is that I’m not thinking about weight- I know I’ve put on weight over the last few months and I’m handling it- mostly by being apathetic about it- but weight worries don’t seem to be governing by food decisions. However, I don’t know what is. Why am I so caught up with eating a tspn vs tbspn of peanut butter, why am I agonising over adding milk to tea or not? Why am I still obsessing about the half an iced bun I ate 13 days ago?
I feel like I’m losing hope that I really have the power to change things. I don’t want to give up as I feel just as bad when I’m not trying, but I am so so tired of trying and failing. I just want to be done now. I want to be recovered.