I’m sitting on my bed having my last bit of ‘screen time’ before I put my computer away and snuggle up with a book and have an early night. I’ve just been struck by how peaceful I feel right now, how things feel nicely in order and how I’m ready to get some sleep before embracing the week ahead. My work clothes and gym clothes are laid out for the morning. My work for the morning is all complete and ready to be printed. My breakfast, lunch, morning snack and afternoon snack are all prepared. My bed is clear and I have freshly-laundered pyjamas to put on.
When I’m in the thick of my ED I typically fell into bed exhausted at night. I would be cold, my body would ache, my mind would race through calories consumed, meals planned, numbers weighed, exercises done. I rarely felt peaceful. I might have done all the things I needed to do but I would have been stressed doing it, and I probably would have just collapsed into bed knowing I was going to wake at 4am anyway and not be able to sleep any further so would leave things till then. I would wake exhausted, go through my day either exhausted or hyper, running on empty.
This is a much nicer way to live. I HATE the weight gain, I HATE having to eat when I don’t feel like it, I HATE having to fight urges to binge and purge, I HATE how my body looks sometimes. But I LOVE this peace, and I love having the mental and physical energy to be in control of creating this peace.
Another thing to add to my ‘reasons to recover’ list. I hope you’re all feeling peaceful tonight too, and if things are rough, just hang in there and keep trying. x