I’m having a fat day. A feeling fat day, bleurgh (and despite what they say, fat is a feeling!)
All this eating and trying to feel okay about it is hard sometimes and every now and again I like to think that maybe losing a little weight would help, that I would just feel a bit better in myself. If I could just get back to X weight then things would be a lot better and I would be happier.
But here’s the thing: I was that weight last year. And I was miserable. And not just a bit tired and cold from not eating enough miserable, but full on depressed, suicidal, not leaving the house, endless crying, self-harming, on leave from uni, curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing miserable. I was thinner, that’s a fact, but I was also in a horrible mental state.
I do still have a longing to be thinner but my strategy now is to try to notice that thought, identify it as the ‘I want to be thinner’ thought, allow myself a few moments to picture a bony body and then tell myself (out loud if no-one is around!) ‘but I wasn’t happy then’.
I wasn’t happy then, so why would I want to go back?