I wasn’t happy then

I’m having a fat day. A feeling fat day, bleurgh (and despite what they say, fat is a feeling!)

All this eating and trying to feel okay about it is hard sometimes and every now and again I like to think that maybe losing a little weight would help, that I would just feel a bit better in myself. If I could just get back to X weight then things would be a lot better and I would be happier.

But here’s the thing: I was that weight last year. And I was miserable. And not just a bit tired and cold from not eating enough miserable, but full on depressed, suicidal, not leaving the house, endless crying, self-harming, on leave from uni, curled up in a ball on the floor sobbing miserable. I was thinner, that’s a fact, but I was also in a horrible mental state.

I do still have a longing to be thinner but my strategy now is to try to notice that thought, identify it as the  ‘I want to be thinner’ thought, allow myself a few moments to picture a bony body and then tell myself (out loud if no-one is around!) ‘but I wasn’t happy then’.

I wasn’t happy then, so why would I want to go back?

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3 thoughts on “I wasn’t happy then

  1. I wrote out once my reasons “not to go back” and it was pretty extensive, but in the end it wasn’t enough for me. I wish I could stop romanticizing my past with my eating disorder and see things objectively. Or at least cultivate some kind of mindset that says
    “I really want the past, but it’s not good for me so I have to move on.”

    Like

    1. I can understand this. I have plenty of ‘not to go back’ reasons and plenty ‘move forward’ reasons but I too still romanticise the past. It’s a weird feeling isn’t it, there’s definitely some sense of ‘letting go’ that is touch going in ED recovery.

      Liked by 1 person

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