And again and again

I don’t want to have to write this but part of me starting this blog was so that I would be honest with myself and face up to my behaviours and my thoughts.

I had a shower, I made my lunch and got my stuff ready for tomorrow and then I decided to make crumble to bring over to my boyfriend’s. I fancied something sweet so I thought for safety I would make it and bring it over so I would just eat a normal portion. But then there was crumble topping left over and I couldn’t help myself- I started eating it from the bowl and I knew after a few spoons I would want to purge so I kept going. So I ate the remainder (probably enough for an entire other crumble, bleurgh) and then got sick.

I’m feeling fairly crap now. I regret it and I wish I had just thrown the extra topping away (so wasteful- because eating and purging isn’t wasteful???!!!) or had stopped myself soon enough that I didn’t feel like I needed to be sick. I probably shouldn’t have made crumble at all to be honest, but at least I thought about bringing it to my boyfriend to be safe so I was trying! And I didn’t let the crumble eating turn into a large binge. So there are lessons learnt.

This isn’t going to be a straight journey. Falling off is part of it, as long as I keep getting back on I’m doing okay. Giving in is not an option. I’m drafting up a plan for the next few nights so I can make sure I know what I need to do.

Now, off to my boyfriend’s with the crumble!

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