Lapses and lessons

Well that was some week. Full schedule at work along with a Christmas event every night, followed by a visit to the boyfriend’s family for the weekend. Lots of fun but wow, lots of food and lots of conflicting confusing thoughts (eat this, don’t eat this, purge, don’t purge, you’re fat, you’re not that fat, run it off, don’t tire yourself out….). Christmas is certainly a challenging time for ED recovery!

I really dug in this week and I really tried to stay on track but I ended up having three little ‘lapses’. On Friday I was just exhausted after the week and really just needed some quiet time at home to regroup but I had just 30 mins to pack for the weekend and just felt a but overwhelmed. So clearly a good antidote was for me to waste this time eating cereal and purging. Aaaarrrgggghh, it was a silly mistake, I knew what I was doing and I think I knew it was going to happen but I seemed powerless to stop it. However, I have identified that the times when I need some ‘stop the world time’ and I can’t have it for some reason are when I am really vulnerable to b/p-ing. It was just unfortunate that I needed to be somewhere on Friday so I couldn’t just stop the world. It’s all well and good knowing that I need time, but the world doesn’t revolve around me so…..the lesson? Need to think about what an appropriate coping strategy could be in the situations when I want to stop the world but I can’t.

Then today I had another lapse. Kind of for the same reason I think, I was just trying to quieten my head after a busy weekend. Cereal again- clearly I am nowhere near ready having cereal in the house (lesson 2 I guess!). I was on autopilot and I knew two bowls in I was going to purge so I had some toast as well. I stopped after that though so far less of a binge than previously so I will take that as a kind of win (it’s all relative). I then made a proper dinner later to prevent a continuous snack/ purge scenario which was a good move I reckon, except the old black and white thinking came in and I ended up purging that too. And I have now just mindlessly eaten a load of crackers but I know this is because my body is craving food as it doesn’t know what happened to the previous meal and I am determined to keep it down. I don’t want to let myself get sucked back into thinking it’s a routine again. Because it’s not: they were only lapses and I feel crappy now so I am very determined not let lapses develop into a relapse (can it be a relapse after only 10 days of ‘recovery’?).

So, not an ideal ending to the week but rather than focus on the lapses I am going to focus on all the positive steps I took towards recovery this week:

  1. I ate Chinese for the first time in 9 years, and enjoyed it!
  2. I texted my friend to let her know I purged to be honest and accountable even thought it’s shameful.
  3. I went to the doctor and made an appointment with ED nurse.
  4. I told my boyfriend twice that I would need to eat when he hadn’t suggested it, in order to not be too hungry by the time dinner came around.
  5. I have not weighed myself at all (honestly, this is because I’m too afraid to, feeling ‘fat’ after week of socialising and eating)
  6. I went to all my regular training sessions and raced today, but did not do any extra exercise to make up for the food.

Things are hard but I keep telling myself it will be worth it so I shall sleep today off and be grateful that I have the chance to try again tomorrow.

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