One of the things that the hateful food diaries I completed while seeing ED nurse showed was that when I needed/wanted to have a break from the world and relax I had a tendency to hide in my room, eat in bed, watch mindless TV on laptop and then purge, and sometimes repeat this process more than once.
At some point maybe this did work for me but certainly for the last year or so all it has really done is drain me. I would feel physically rough and mentally beaten, just waiting for sleep and a new day to put distance between me and my failings.
So today when I was tired and feeling a bit sorry for myself I knew I needed to try something different. It still involved indulgent TV but it was on the sofa with a blanket, a proper meal (veggie sausage pitta and veggies), a great chat with a friend abroad and working out some dates for different stuff next year. It was a really nice relaxing evening where I also managed to do things I’d been meaning to do for a while.
I had some seriously STRONG sugar cravings for a good hour or so and I was really tempted to pop to the shops but I knew it would only end in a binge, so instead i made some stewed apple and rhubarb with porridge oats crumble. I had a massive portion as I really wanted that feeling of full-ness (yes, the same feeling I dread- this makes no sense to me either!) but actually once I eliminate purging as an option in my head then overeating doesn’t have the same kick. I just felt a bit bleurgh after it to be honest and now I’m wide awake at 1,30am.
But I do feel relaxed and the best bit is that when I wake up tomorrow I will get to feel proud of myself rather than have to suffer the post b/p hangover. Need to store this positive outcome in my brain for next time!