Not a great day 😦
I was sick after writing my last post (not on purpose) so didn’t have breakfast until 11 as wasn’t feeling great. I had to buy breakfast then as I didn’t bring any into work, I bought a yoghurt and banana which was all fine, and I also bought my lunch at the same time. I stupidly bought a meal deal (sandwich, crisps and drink) as I figured I could give my boyfriend the crisps, and while sandwiches are a bit of a fear food I thought it would keep me full as I’m trying to eat more at meal times. I had my breakfast but then ate my lunch at 12.30, only an 1 1/2 h after breakfast, and as I didn’t see my boyfriend I ate the crisps too. So that’s a banana, a yoghurt, a sandwich and a packet of crisps all within 2 hours, pretty much a binge, including the feeling of being out of control. I then had to go past a shop at 2.30 and ended up buying a small bar of chocolate.
I definitely was having black and white thinking ‘F**k it anyway I’ve had a bad day I’m definitely going to throw up at some point”. However, I miraculously managed to reign it in and got back on track. But then about half an hour ago I had 2 slices of bread and cottage cheese. It was intended as a snack as I’m cooking dinner for my boyfriend later. But then felt too full so figured I would have to throw up anyway so ate some leftover lentils. Now I’m bursting and so uncomfortable but I really don’t want to ruin my purge free streak. So, (I can’t believe I did this!) I rang my boyfriend, told him that if I make dinner for him then I’m going to need to be sick now, so would he mind eating on his own and just calling over later, as then I can count my bread and lentils as my dinner (it was big enough, trust me!) and stop panicking over them and distract myself now until the full feeling passes and hopefully get myself through this blip.
Certainly not ideal having to ring my boyfriend and admit that, but he did say he would do anything to help me get better, and this is what I needed tonight. Honestly, it’s not about weight, I’m not worried about the calories, I just cannot cope with being this full, but I knew what would happen if I ate that bread and I did it anyway. What is wrong with me that I have absolutely no self control? Bleurgh.
Okay, that’s my rant. I’m going to have a little cry now and try nap so that when I wake I will feel a bit less full so I can show my boyfriend when he calls over that I made a good decision.
This recovery business is hard work. Hard hard hard work which I’m not sure anyone who hasn’t had an ED really understands. Sigh.