I’m having a wobbly evening. I’m feeling too full and I know all it would take for me to throw up would be to be lean over some kind of toilet/container/bag but I am really trying not to. I have this thing about dividing purging into voluntary and involuntary: I think my body is so used to me being sick that it really doesn’t know what to do with a proper amount of food and sometimes I get sick even when I don’t really mean to (although ED nurse would argue I can stop it and don’t sometimes so that’s up for debate!)
But it wasn’t a binge, it was lentil stewp (my new favourite word, thanks bubblesandbooyah!), crusty bread and butter and a mince pie. I had a glass of wine too so I don’t know if that’s why I feel a bit vulnerable, but I actively chose a glass of wine over a binge so it should’ve been okay. It’s not that I’m afraid I will put on weight from that food, it’s just that I feel too full and I have no idea how to cope with that.
Anyway, I’m sitting here writing instead of throwing up (I’ve also distracted by texting, checking emails and putting up Christmas tree but still feeling crappy) and I opened my mail and Tesco had very kindly send me some extra Christmas vouchers. Except Tesco sends you things based on your frequent purchases so mine included Jelly Babies; Frijj milkshakes; Soreen malt loaf; grapes and yoghurt. All binge foods. Seriously, what a sign to ‘sit with feelings of full ness’- even Tesco knows I have Bulimia!
So I will continue to distract by going to bed- sleep really is my safest option!
It would be so easy to throw up right now, but I’m never going to get past this if I always choose the easy route. And this is day 5. I want day 5 more than I want to be sick. I want my life more than I want my ED- I know this but I still want to be sick! Argh! Deep breaths, sleep, and tomorrow is another day! x