Recovery sometimes feels like such a big mountain to conquer that I can easily forget that it is actually made up of lots of little steps, which means lots of opportunities to be strong and have success. Nothing I did today cured my bulimia, but lots of things I did got me that little bit closer.
- I ate my breakfast at the kitchen able with my flatmate = I was ‘present and mindful’ during my meal and reassured myself that if was eating the same amount as my flatmate chances are I wasn’t going to balloon afterwards as she never has!
- I ate my morning snack at 10.47= I was hungry at 10.47, not waiting until 11 on the dot meant that I, and not crazy ED voice, determined when I was going to eat. Guess what? The world did not end!
- I went for a walk before lunch=I wasn’t quite hungry enough for lunch but had agreed to meet a friend, so we went for a quick 15 minute walk first to get some fresh air which got me away from my desk and built up my appetite.
- I ate a biscuit after lunch= I really wanted a biscuit (ginger and dark chocolate om nom nom), I ate a biscuit, I worried about it for about 30 mins after but now it’s dinner time I’m not thinking ‘oh well I didn’t have that biscuit at lunch so now I can go to shop and buy loads of biscuits and…cue b/p. I haven’t weighed myself but my rationale side is going to hazard a guess that that biscuit has not made my increase a dress size.
- I went to Pilates and focused on my breathing and posture rather than the über thin girl two mats away from me =okay, so I noticed her, but I didn’t let feelings of envy overwhelm me and ruin my relaxing time, progress.
- I added egg to my stir fry for dinner= Ed thought “egg+ tofu but H that’s two proteins, who needs two proteins? you’re going to get fat” H voice “I’m hungry, protein will help fill me up, I’m alone in the house, there’s a risk of binging, one egg would be far better for me than 8 bowls of cereal”.
It’s not yet 8pm so I won’t start congratulating myself just yet but it is nice to reflect on some good choices today. I’m very aware that I have been here a thousand times before, and that I seem to always come back to eating disordered behaviours eventually but I guess I understand now that I need to keep trying anyway, as the alternative is pretty gloomy. Moment by moment, choice by choice, day by day, hopefully I’ll get there eventually 🙂