Jelly babies and the moment of choice

I’m sitting here eating jelly babies and drinking diet coke and laughing at myself for thinking this isn’t going to turn into a binge. I know that this is one of the moments that I need to conquer. Firstly, I shouldn’t have bought jelly babies as I know how that ends. I could have made a better choice at that moment. But I didn’t, I succumbed to my bulimia pilot and suddenly I have in my possession a jelly babies, a pack of biscuits and a spotted dick and custard pudding (this was on special offer- I don’t even know if I like it but I reckoned it will come up easy enough- isn’t that shocking? What little regard I have for food and for myself).

I could make a better choice now, I could stop eating. But I know I won’t, I’ve eaten too many jelly babies that I’m going to have to (choosing to) purge anyway so I might as well keep going. I’m so annoyed at myself but I’m still going to do it. I know it’s a choice but honestly, I do not feel like I’m choosing here, I feel like the ED monster has all control and is going to win anyway I might as well just give in now. Sigh.

I’m going to need to toughen up if I have any chance of beating this thing. Tomorrow is a new day…

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2 thoughts on “Jelly babies and the moment of choice

  1. I relate to ths post in every way, I am currently sat in my bed in an empty house terrified to move in case the inevitable happens. Reading your blog made me realise I am not alone and I hope you know that too. I believe that we can both recover and wish you all the best in your recovery. All the best thinking of you x

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    1. Thank you! We’re definitely not alone in this but b/p is just something that doesn’t get talked about as much isn’t it? I feel it’s definitely the less socially acceptable part of the ED, and perhaps the secrecy is why it’s so bloody hard to recover from it :/ I hope you had a nice Monday and a good start to the week! H

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